When a friend told me about Triggered, I was confused why she was drawing my attention to a film about kids in the woods with bombs around their necks. But that's 2020's Triggered; 2019's Triggered is about a social justice warrior murdering people. That made a bit more sense given my tendency to watch the worst movies. But maybe this was a parody made in good faith? Maybe the message isn't just, "she's a deranged person who's doing all this for attention." But then I saw it, and unfortunately that's absolutely the message. Well fuck me, I guess.
At Movie Night there’s a thing we call “Seagaling.” Named after Steven Seagal and inspired by some of his worst movies, it’s when we speed up a movie one click so it ends faster, but we can still say that we watched it. Anyway, I don’t think I can watch Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy without Seagaling it; it’s just irredeemably bad.
So first there was Bloodrayne, one of the several video game movie made by talentless hack Uwe Boll. Next there was Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance, where Rayne fights cowboys. The trilogy ended with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, the one where she FINALLY fights Nazis. But wait, we’re not quite done! Then came Blubberella, a scene-for-scene parody of The Third Reich where Rayne has been replaced by the titular Blubberella (played by Ms. Lindsay Hollister), an overweight dhampir. And it’s bad. Like, amazingly bad.
I was going to start this post off saying that the movie hated its viewers and its characters, but after a lot of thinking I don’t believe that. The movie doesn’t care what you think or how you feel, and it doesn’t care about any of its characters. It has a story to tell about awful people doing awful things, and if you happen to be watching then I guess you’re along for the ride.