I am a glutton for bad movies, and for better or worse my friends are well aware of this. So much so, in fact, that a dear friend needed me to check out this movie. Yes, needed. It seemed like your typical "Christmas romantic TV movie," but then I looked at the ratings. Wow! This is apparently one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? I ask because that's a bold claim. But does it live up to that...? I mean, it's no Red Christmas--where an aborted fetus all grown up named Cletus tries to kill his family--but this is very bad in a different, less overt way.
mystery
I have gathered you all here to reveal that I sussed out who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
The Spirit of Christmas (2015)
Ah, Christmas... It's a magical time of year overflowing with romantic opportunities. Or at least that's how it is in Lifetime original movies where the only gift the female lead needs to buy is for her love interest, friends and family be damned. These movies generally follow a plot of "woman sad, woman meet man, woman kiss man in snow," but when a film breaks with that pattern, sometimes true magic happens. So let's talk about a Lifetime movie where a lady wants to fuck a Christmas ghost!
Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001)
Going through all these Children of the Corn movies for October of the Corn, we see that the movies so far have covered a lot of ground (or, as much ground as you can cover when the main focus is a creepy kid cult). We've had the cult be active in the modern day and also a relic of years past. We've had the setting be a corn field and also urban Chicago. We've had the cult led by children, and also an adult who happened to have once been one of those kid leaders. And now we come to Children of the Corn: Revelation, a movie about the ghosts of the cult haunting... an apartment complex. Man, moments like this really hammer home that this is no one's favorite franchise.
Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999)
I see what this movie was trying to do with "666" instead of "Part VI," but... why? 666 is traditionally regarded as the number of The Beast, but that's from the Book of Revelation (remember, it's singular, not plural). So it's very Christian... and while the child cult of He Who Walks Behind the Rows has performative Christian aspects, it's definitely not the same religion. So having "666" in the title makes no sense!
The Void (2017)
Have you ever seen the music video for "Fantasy" by DyE? If you haven't, here's a link. He's a French electropop artist and the song is pretty good! But the main reason I want you to see it is because it has a twist. A very... Lovecraftian twist. What starts out seemingly normal night suddenly becomes a nightmare involving realities beyond mortal comprehension. And I bring this up because that's basically the plot of The Void, too.
So Undercover (2012)
This post is not sponsored by Tubi, but I am gonna gush about them for a bit. Sorry, but’s a site with a bunch of movies you can watch for free! Sure there are ads, but uBlock Origin beats that shit down pretty well. And the movies come in a variety of flavors, from “That was pretty good,” to “Wait, they made a movie with THAT premise?!” And on that note, let’s talk about So Undercover, a film where Ms. Miley Cyrus infiltrates a sorority under orders from the FBI.
National Treasure (2004)
Who has two thumbs and actually looked at a calendar before deciding what movie to review? You’ll have to trust me on the thumbs part, but this guy! Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, and because of that I thought I should do a themed post. But what to watch? Independence Day is almost too obvious, Jaws took place during the Fourth… But I decided to go with a movie based on longstanding American traditions: stealing stuff and believing conspiracy theories. LET’S STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!
The Gorgon (1964)
According to WordPress internal tracking, this is my 100th post! Huzzah! Sure, a number of those are “basic information” posts, but still! I’ve been at this for almost half a year now, so I think we can say this has been a successful experiment. And with that, we’re done! Thanks for coming, see you on my next flight of fancy!
Horns (2013)
I honestly don't know why I dragged my feet on this movie. Harry Potter grows horns and solves a murder, man! And it's based on a novel by Mr. Joe Hill, the pen name of Stephen King's son, whose last work I saw was In the Tall Grass (I'll get to you one day, Locke & Key). If I had taken the time to look at the cast I would've also been blown away by names I recognize: Joe Anderson (Across the Universe), James Remar (The Blackcoat's Daughter), Heather Graham (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me), and more! It's almost like this movie was made for me! Just a shame about the weak points, though.
Foodfight! (2012)
I don’t know about you, but I need a break from Batman. So let’s switch gears and watching something absolutely awful! Foodfight!–the title has an exclamation point so you know it’s quality–is infamously bad: it’s hideous, the story sucks, it’s shameless product placement, and it cost $65 million to make because they had no idea what they were doing and then the computers the movie was stored on got stolen. Oops! It eventually limped its way to a DVD release, and here we are. I own this. I make only the best decisions.
