I have no one to blame but myself. Not only did I willingly invited suffering into my life, but I sought it out. And all it cost me was a piece of my soul. And $13. Free shipping, though!
“I’m here on the Lord’s work, Mrs. Snell; spreadin’ the gospel of God’s salvation through Christ’s blood!”
The Backwater Gospel (2011)
Now, it's completionally understandable that someone would look at a lack of a When They Cry: Kai episode summary over the weekend and the review of a short film on Monday--that went up late, damn it, because I didn't notice the upload time was set to 11PM and had to change that--would suggest that I've fallen behind on the blog. But that's absolutely... well, it's not incorrect, let's just say that. But The Backwater Gospel has always been something I wanted to cover, because while it's less than 10 minutes long, the look, feel, and story are top notch.
The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror (2007)
During October, I came across a list of queer horror movies recommended by writers for NBC News. I'd already reviewed four films on it--Fear Street: 1994, Bit, The Perfection, and Stranger by the Lake*--and the rest are saved to my to-do list. One movie not mentioned was The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror, probably because while this is an undoubtedly gay film, it's fucking terrible. I honestly don't know how else to describe it beyond it being an incredibly homophobic gay film.
Hellraiser: Judgment (2018)
All things must come to an end, and both the Hellbound Halloween event and the Hellraiser franchise count as part of "all things." I've covered 9 movies about Hell and Pinhead (with a brief interlude of other stories by Mr. Clive Barker), and Hellraiser: Judgment is the last. It's a bit of an over-exaggeration to say that the quality of the franchise decreased with every sequel, but the last half is more bad than good. Gary J Tunnicliffe--who also directed Hellraiser: Revelations--wanted to make a really good entry, and he ended up with two of the worst. Kind of like how Simon Kinberg wrote both X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men: Dark Phoenix! Nerd burn!
The Lodge (2019)
The Lodge was one of the movies that I was super excited to watch and it just... somehow passed me by. No local theaters were showing it back in early 2019 and by the time I got the motivation to travel to see it, it had disappeared from all theaters. So this one has been on my to-watch list for a while, and I figured a month dedicated to horror movies would be the perfect time! Which makes it such a shame that I really didn't like it.
Who doesn't love a good bad disaster movie? You don't go into Sharknado expecting fine cinema, you go in hoping that a guy cuts a shark in half with a chainsaw, and that said shark was delivered to him via tornado. So imagine how excited I was when I first saw a film called Tsunambee. The tagline on the poster is "This is gonna sting a little!" It's a goofy movie about a tsunami of bees, right? Right...?
Did everybody have a good Easter? Or if you don't celebrate, a decent regular Sunday? I spent the day with family members I haven't seen in a year because of, you know, everything, and then came home to watch a movie adaptation of a musical about a hippie clown Jesus. I was born after the 70's, so Godspell never really showed up on my radar. Yeah, the signature song song "Day by Day" did ring some bells, but I'm pretty sure I had previously heard the Shirley Bassey version. So why watch this? Beyond the spectacle, I wanted to see it for purely gay reasons.
Left Behind (2014)
I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven't heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let's dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron! Wait... I'm not talking about 2000's Left Behind? Instead I'm talking about the 2014 one starring Nic Cage, where even Christian reviewers thought it was one of the worst movies ever made? I never thought I would ever say this, but I'd rather watch a Kirk Cameron movie. I don't know how to feel about that...
Ben & Arthur (2002)
Is there a recognized subgenre of movies called something like "The Room, but X" or am I breaking new ground? Either way, it's been too hetero during this month of some of the worst movies ever made, so let's watch The Room, but gay! Yes, even gay directors can make movies that are so bad and boring that I long for the sweet release of death while suffering through them. Equality!
Saving Christmas (2014)
"The Star Wars Holiday Special inspired me to do this," is a dangerous statement and sounds like something a guy acting as his own lawyer would tell a judge. But a while ago I asked around on social media what people thought was the worst movie they had ever seen, and one person responded with the Holiday Special. Worst ever, hm? What if I reviewed a bunch of movies like that? What if I spent all of January reviewing absolute dogshit movies, and Mr. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas being (as of writing) #6 on the IMDB Bottom 100 would be a good transition to that since it's still December? So here we are, talking about the dork from Growing Pains doing what he does best: be insufferable.