Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think "happy ending," but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it's a handjob thing, so I'm going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let's finish this.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

A good sequel ups the stakes of the original. If it has the same threat and energy level, then it's more of the same and begs the question, what's the point? Feast II: Sloppy Seconds takes the chaotic energy of Feast and absolutely raises it through more monsters, more bloodshed, and more dark comedy of questionable taste. This one has a bit more of a focus on story and characters than the previous one--although just barely--so a kill count would miss some... subtlety. Back to the regular review format, I guess!

Feast (2005)

Do you ever watch a movie and immediately forget the characters' names? Like, the Friday the 13th reboot was about... uh... Mr. Jared Padalecki looking for... someone, and uh... okay, I remember one of the stoners was named "Chewie," but that's it. Gun to my head I couldn't tell you any of the others' names. Well it's not just me, because that issue is addressed by Feast and its sequels! We have characters with descriptive names that tell you everything you need to know, like Bartender, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander), Honey Pie, and... Jason Mewes (Jason Mewes)? You get the idea.

Suburban Gothic (2014)

As promised in the Excision post, today we're talking about Suburban Gothic. Outside of Excision I have not actually seen anything featuring Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler. I didn't get into Criminal Minds and the Alvin and the Chipmunks quadrilogy is reserved for a week when I just want to suffer. But I knew of him through memes, so I was excited to watch this. Add in Kat Dennings--now featured in WandaVision which I talk about the day after each new episode--and we have a recipe for a good time! It's just a shame, then, that the movie was... fine. It's fine. It was okay.

Excision (2012)

Time once again to pull from the list of movies I've referenced but haven't reviewed, so let's roll the equivalent of a 297-sided die! Yes, the number has grown from last time (The Phantom) because I cannot help myself. Anyway... #96! Hm, that's the first of a trilogy and it would flow better if I did all three movies next week, so let's roll again. #87! And that is... oh. Oh my. This is going to be a weird one.

Promising Young Woman (2020)

One of the downsides of doing an event or theme month is that anything that doesn't fit in gets pushed back. I saw Promising Young Woman near the middle of January but it absolutely didn't match that month's "worst ever" theme. Plus, I had already cheesed it by finding a negative review for the good movie Possessor, so doing that twice felt too much like cheating. So here we are in February, talking about a movie that came out in December. Ever so topical.

Are We Not Cats (2018)

I've been sitting on this one for a little while. I watched it during October when I was only doing horror movies, thinking that the "horror" label I saw on several sites was accurate. I don't know if it really counts as a "horror" so much as a "thriller," but I was certainly horrified watching it. Mostly it's a bunch of "body horror." So here it is, ready for November. And it's... oof.

Triggered (2019)

When a friend told me about Triggered, I was confused why she was drawing my attention to a film about kids in the woods with bombs around their necks. But that's 2020's Triggered; 2019's Triggered is about a social justice warrior murdering people. That made a bit more sense given my tendency to watch the worst movies. But maybe this was a parody made in good faith? Maybe the message isn't just, "she's a deranged person who's doing all this for attention." But then I saw it, and unfortunately that's absolutely the message. Well fuck me, I guess.

Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

You know what actor I absolutely love? Mr. Billy Zane. I think most people who recognize that name will know him as the bad guy from Titanic first, maybe as one of the guys in Biff’s gang in Back to the Future, and rarely as the titular hero in The Phantom. Hell, he even has a random cameo at the end of the lame Holmes & Watson as himself. But for me, my favorite performance of his will always be Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.

The Wolves of Kromer (1998)

I honestly don't remember how I first heard about this movie. It's pretty low budget and stars no one you've heard of (one actress was "Historian's Wife" in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and another was Jira from Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace who I had to look up because who the actual fuck is that). Well, Boy George is the occasional narrator, but they had him in the studio for, like, an hour. Anyway, it's a weird little story about wolves. Or gay men. Or gay wolves.