During October, I came across a list of queer horror movies recommended by writers for NBC News. I’d already reviewed four films on it–Fear Street: 1994, Bit, The Perfection, and Stranger by the Lake*–and the rest are saved to my to-do list. One movie not mentioned was The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror, probably because while this is an undoubtedly gay film, it’s fucking terrible. I honestly don’t know how else to describe it beyond it being an incredibly homophobic gay film.

Several gay couples–and one straight ally who dies almost immediately–arrive at a bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere run by Helen, a woman who can barely hide that she’s really a homicidal Christian fundamentalist. Her secret goal is finding a gay man to abduct and force to marry her psychotic queer daughter, Luella–who also is the best character in this–thereby converting both of them. Helen starts murdering the guests while others fall victim of a mutant worm boy named Manfred. Turns out Luella is the daughter of Helen’s sorority sister, and that her real child is Manfred, whose fathers were 100 Republican Convention delegates who participated in a gangbang with Helen. It was all consensual! But… ew. Helen is killed, Luella is killed, and Manfred is adopted by… um…

So out of the sea of unremarkable gay characters, two stand out. One is a female singer who dresses in a powder blue tuxedo. The other is a drag queen. So we have a woman presenting masculinity and a man presenting femininity. Their partners don’t respect them, which somehow leads to them finding God, killing some of their fellow queers, adopting Manfred, and running the murderous B&B as a couple. So the only survivors were the gays who basically became straight. Not the best look, movie!

I realize that this is satire, but the whole thing didn’t work for me. The villain is a religious fundamentalist who wants to convert a gay man and her depraved lesbian daughter who is all up in other people’s business while fondly remembering the bathroom gangbang she was at the center of. It’s all a bit much. Most of the gay characters were obnoxious or just plain mean-spirited, and the nicest two become the new villains after converting to heterosexuality. Kind of. In a admittedly queer way, but still. The whole thing just feels like bad camp, which to certain groups is the most insulting thing you can say about, well, anything. At least I have that list of much better queer movies that I’ll get to… someday! Look, my to-do list is really, really long by this point. It’ll happen eventually.

* Although personally I think Last Ferry is a better version of Stranger by the Lake that doesn’t involve the main character ignoring homicide so they can get their dick sucked.