I am an asshole. Well, at least to one of my friends. We’ve known each other since middle school, and that level of continued friendship comes with it’s own little quirks; ours is giving each other just some of the worst presents. I get him things like a Trumpy Bear–oh yes, they’re real–and then he gets me a DVD copy of Noobz, a movie starring Mr. Jason Mewes from Clerks. I can’t say for certain that we’ve given each other equally awful gifts, but after finally sitting down and watching this movie, my next present to him will be something truly horrendous.

Do you remember the early 2000’s bro comedies? EuroTrip, Superbad, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, and the like? Do you look back on those films like I do and think, “Wow… that’s some problematic shit by today’s standards”? Well Noobz takes all the misogynistic tropes from those movies and throws them in our faces about a decade after it wasn’t vogue anymore. The main character–played by writer/director Blake Freeman–is an unlovable asshole who gives zero shits about his job or his girlfriend, but is still a salty bitch when he gets fired and she dumps him. But at least he has video games, specifically competitive Gears of War 3. Jason Mewes convinces him to enter a tournament for the game, along with their fellow clan teammates: a gay guy who refuses to admit he’s gay (his user name is “Fraggett” and I hate it so much) and Casper Van Dien (a sure sign of a bad movie, as evidenced by The Curse of King Tut and Christams [sic] Twister). Sorry, it’s actually Casper Van Dien’s girlfriend’s asthmatic son who has been pretending to be Van Dien online. And the girlfriend is Lin Shaye from Insidious? I would say how the mighty have fallen, but her IMDB page is very… mixed.

Anyway, wacky and unfunny hijinks ensue. Mewes is really there to meet his internet girlfriend, played by Zelda Williams, AKA Robin Williams’ daughter, AKA Frankie from Were the World Mine. Main asshole is hostile towards her, because she’s in a rival team and he’s convinced she’s only seeing Mewes to sabotage their team. The asthmatic kid almost dies in a strip club when an overweight stripper stands on his oxygen tube, then connects with his father he never met, played by Jon Gries (Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite). The gay guy is stereotypically flamboyant, but at the end of the film it’s revealed that he has a hot girlfriend. Hilarious! Snakes on a Plane did it before this, and it was pretty cringey back then. But then the infographics during the credits suggests he’s still gay? Just pick one and be done with it; I’m not going to like it either way.

Then the tournament happens and it’s down to Jason and Zelda. Mewes lets her kill him, netting her team the win and netting him an actual physical beating from his teammates. Then the movie just sort of… forgets that they ever were a couple. So he did it for absolutely nothing, making the asshole almost right about her. But their luck changes when a Mountain Dew representative offers a partnership to them. But infographics during the credits reveal that dude was lying, so once again, what was the point? The only good thing about the ending is that the main asshole didn’t end up with a girl who is normally out of his league, mostly because he has no character growth. He starts out a miserable loser, and he ends a more miserable, bigger loser, objectively worse than when the film started.

The cherry on top of this shit sundae is the girl on the DVD cover. She’s wearing a revealing top and her cleavage is even more on display on the back of the cover. Who is she? Well, at the very beginning when Freeman is rambling about how gamers are better than other people, she’s a stuck up girl who doesn’t like that a nerd bumped into her. Then we see her partying, only to end up dry heaving in a toilet. But wait, there’s more! Some dude is recording her, the footage uploaded to “Look Daddy I’m a Star.com,” where the nerd watches her misery and laughs. She’s not in the rest of the movie. She’s just eye candy on the DVD, such a nothing character that I absolutely forgot about that scene.

So fuck this movie. Fuck this movie so hard. You hear me, my oldest and dearest friend?! COME CHRISTMAS I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT SO AWFUL, YOU’RE GOING TO WISH IT WAS ANOTHER DRAGON DILDO, WHICH WAS AN ACTUAL GIFT THAT I GAVE HIM!! YOU’LL RUE THE DAY YOU MADE ME WATCH THIS GOD AWFUL THING, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE WATCHING IT WITH ME AND SUFFERED AS WELL!! REGARDLESS, YOUR DOOM WILL COME!!!