I had the option to watch something good for today's post. Friends have recommended Make the Yuletide Gay to me for a while now, but for whatever reason I just wasn't feeling it at the moment. No, I was in the mood for something absolutely awful. Just some utter dogshit. But because it's December--Christmas Eve today, in fact--it has to be festive. Well good thing there's Red Christmas, a movie about an aborted fetus that survived and seeks revenge on his mother (Mrs. Dee Wallace). No, this isn't the only "survived being aborted" movie, and yes, I'll get to Hanger someday. But today we talk about Cletus the fetus in this movie that's barely about Christmas.
Holy shit, there are like a thousand adaptations of Mr. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Who knows, maybe next year for December I'll spend the entire month only covering different versions of the classic tale... But until that possible future, I feel like I should touch upon at least one adaptation each December. Last year was the beloved The Muppet Christmas Carol, but this year I somehow found myself watching the 1997 A Christmas Carol direct-to-VHS, Saturday morning cartoon-esque, animated version that was... not good. I'd say an attempt was made, but I'm not convinced of that.
I think I've made it fairly clear by now that I watch some absolute garbage. I see a premise that sounds stupid as shit and think to myself, "Oh, I can't not watch that." Most of the time such trash is amusing in some way. Maybe it's actually sometimes funny like House Shark. Maybe it's so awful in every way that you can't help but laugh like A Talking Cat!?!. But sometimes, when fate is feeling spiteful, I watch something that's just so aggressively bland, it hurts my soul. Welcome to me talking about Elf-Man, a movie where Hornswoggle from WWE Wee Man from Jackass plays a Christmas elf superhero.
It's December, which on this blog means... more Caligari movies? Hm. Last year, December was nothing but Christmas and/or winter holiday movies, but this year I'm breaking that pattern up a bit. See, I've been meaning to do these three Caligari movies for months now, so I'm forcing myself to do them now. Santa and all that will be coming eventually, but so will at least two breaks from the format since Spider-Man: No Way Home is coming out this month and there's another, non-winter movie I watched that I want to talk about. With that out of the way, let's dive into The Cabinet of Caligari, a movie hampered by its title.
During October, I came across a list of queer horror movies recommended by writers for NBC News. I'd already reviewed four films on it--Fear Street: 1994, Bit, The Perfection, and Stranger by the Lake*--and the rest are saved to my to-do list. One movie not mentioned was The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror, probably because while this is an undoubtedly gay film, it's fucking terrible. I honestly don't know how else to describe it beyond it being an incredibly homophobic gay film.
There's something about franchises--particularly big horror franchises--where it sure seems like each one has a film that just refuses to stick in my head. I wrote about Children of the Corn: The Gathering just last year, but even then I still only remember the barest of details without looking at the post. Something about a fever...? In that same vein, was it Leprechaun 2 or Leprechaun 3 where he was at a pawn shop? And A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is just a total blank to me. The point being I've seen all 10 Hellraiser films before, but had no memory of what the hell Hellraiser: Deader was about. But now I've rewatched it and can safely say that I'll most likely forget every detail of this boring movie--again--by next month, if not next week.
Back what seems like a thousand years ago, my first job had dirt cheap DVD packs that I absolutely needed to buy. Were they anything good? Typically no. These packs included things like the Prey of the Jaguar and The Conspiracy of Fear two-pack that I've already talked about here. One such pack was a "Horror Classic" pack of 5 movies featuring the legendary Mr. Bela Lugosi. So things like 1931's Dracula or even Plan 9 from Outer Space? Uh... no. More like his utterly forgotten films that fell into the public domain like The Devil Bat and today's film, The Gorilla, a slapstick "horror"* comedy that only has one redeeming element: Patsy Kelly.
The Lodge was one of the movies that I was super excited to watch and it just... somehow passed me by. No local theaters were showing it back in early 2019 and by the time I got the motivation to travel to see it, it had disappeared from all theaters. So this one has been on my to-watch list for a while, and I figured a month dedicated to horror movies would be the perfect time! Which makes it such a shame that I really didn't like it.
Sometimes one particular moment stands out in a movie and that's all you remember. When I think the movie Plankton, it takes me a moment to remember the "plot" as I'm immediately focusing on the scene where one girl has caviar oozing out of her vagina as she shouts to the eggs that Mommy loves them. This is also the case with Remember Me, a movie starring Mr. Robert Pattinson that came out in the middle of the Twilight franchise. Before I watched this movie for the third time for this post, I couldn't remember any plot details other than the twist ending where Pattinson dies in the Twin Towers on 9/11.
I think this little game has gone on long enough, don't you? Since I started reviewing all the Beethoven movies, I've been playing coy with how many films are actually in the franchise. For those keeping track this is the 7th film so far, and I'm happy to announce that this is the penultimate one. Yup, Beethoven's Treasure Tail is the 8th and final movie--as of time of writing--so we're so close to being done! I'm almost free from this self-imposed prison of having to rewatch these films! We just have to get through the one that decided it was time for Beethoven to talk.