Okay, you guys. You guys! I have a million dollar idea. No, a billion dollar idea! Are you ready? You're not ready, but here we go: what if--take a moment and think about this--what if... Superman... was evil? I know, right?! Groundbreaking. Revolutionary. Just think about how much--wait, what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS HAS BEEN DONE A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE?! Fuck... FUCK!! Fine! Whatever! I'll stick with just talking about movies, then, I fucking guess.
2019
The year astronauts Christina Koch and Jessica Meir performed the first all-female spacewalk.
Butt Boy (2019)
So, uh... hey. How you doin'? Well, I'm doing just fine! Sorry there hasn't been a post on this blog since... October? Holy hell. I burned out real hard, got super stressed at work, and now I'm in the process of moving! So sadly there hasn't been that much time or energy to keep this blog up to date. I'm hoping once the move is done things will change, but I make no promises. All I can say now is that every so often a movie will stun me in such a way that I'll have no choice but to brush the dust off this site and talk about it. And so it is with Butt Boy, a movie about a man who puts anything and anyone up his own ass.
A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019)
Man, I have been watching some absolute garbage movies lately. Under ConTroll tried way too hard for such a lackluster "sequel," the Blood Freak remake was cheap on every level, and Joker's Poltergeist took the real life tragedy of the Aurora theater shooting and turned it into a lame horror movie. In fact, A Karate Christmas Miracle is from the same wrier as Joker's Poltergeist and reused footage from that horror flick. While I knew this would be yet another bad film, I at least assumed it'd be more coherent than Poltergeist. Oh, how wrong I was.
Under ConTroll (2019)
There are two types of bad movies--okay, there are way more than that, but just go with me on this. The two types are movies made sincerely, and those that are not. The Room is a masterpiece of bad cinema because Mr. Tommy Wiseau really, truly thought he was making art. But all the Scary Movie films and their spin-offs were made to be intentionally bad, and they end up being bad in a different, less enjoyable way. So which is Under ConTroll, the German sequel to Troll 2? Well there's nothing sincere about this movie, so that's telling.
Bahum Bug (2019)
I had a plan for January 2022. It wasn't good, but there was one. The idea was to watch as many movies by Mr. Ulli Lommel--a man I regard as the worst filmmaker I've ever seen, as I touched upon in Diary of a Cannibal--until my soul couldn't take any more or the month ended, whichever happened first. But that's being postponed for something else. Why bring this up? I was going to end December on some absolute garbage movies to get myself in the right headspace for the following month. For better or worse, that's the part of the plan that stuck. So let's talk about Bahum Bug, which is as ugly as it is bad.
The Lodge (2019)
The Lodge was one of the movies that I was super excited to watch and it just... somehow passed me by. No local theaters were showing it back in early 2019 and by the time I got the motivation to travel to see it, it had disappeared from all theaters. So this one has been on my to-watch list for a while, and I figured a month dedicated to horror movies would be the perfect time! Which makes it such a shame that I really didn't like it.
Last Ferry (2019)
I'm starting this post with an aside. I live in in the Pacific Northwest in part due to its moderate weather. Well, it's supposed to be 100° the day I'm writing this, and we're on track for 110° on Monday, the day this goes live. So, uh, if I suddenly stop posting, it's because I died of heat stroke.
Bit (2019)
How do you define an "X movie" where X is whatever trait you're talking about? Is something a gay movie only because it features at least one gay person? Is it still "gay" if they're not the main characters? And is it still "gay" if one of the main actors is gay, but it never comes up so we're not sure if their character also is? I know it sounds like I'm talking around the Beauty and the Beast live-action remake, but that's a chore for some other time. After all, it's still Pride Month, so we're talking about overtly queer movies! Bit is queer, to be sure, largely because the main cast are lady vampires who are into other ladies, but that's not the only reason...
Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
I guess I'm a Godzilla fan? But what classifies someone as a "fan" of something, really? Sure, I've seen all the live action Godzilla movies, but I've seen all the Children of the Corn movies and I'm certainly not a fan of that franchise (no one is). The only Godzilla merch I own is a card game that has been collecting dust ever since I picked it up. I own a Gamera DVD collection with 9 or so movies, so am I a Gamera fan? No, but you get the idea. I guess for me, calling myself a fan means that when Godzilla starts glowing red in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, I cheered for the reappearance of Burning Godzilla. So I'm a fan in that I'm a huge fucking nerd.
Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
Ant-Man was the epilogue to Marvel Cinematic Universe's Phase Two, and Spider-Man: Far From Home is the epilogue to its Phase Three. But while Ant-Man didn't really have much to do with the previous film, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Far From Home is a direct continuation of Avengers: Endgame. Tony Stark is dead. Long live the... new Tony Stark? Heavy is the head that wears the crown, and it's got to be especially heavy for a 16-year-old kid from Queens. Enough purple prose, let's wrap up MCU March!
Chwineka Watches 