As promised in the Excision post, today we're talking about Suburban Gothic. Outside of Excision I have not actually seen anything featuring Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler. I didn't get into Criminal Minds and the Alvin and the Chipmunks quadrilogy is reserved for a week when I just want to suffer. But I knew of him through memes, so I was excited to watch this. Add in Kat Dennings--now featured in WandaVision which I talk about the day after each new episode--and we have a recipe for a good time! It's just a shame, then, that the movie was... fine. It's fine. It was okay.
Good heavens, look at the time! It's been a while since I rolled randomly on the list of movies I've referenced but haven't reviewed yet, so let's do that again! Out of a list of 291 movies (why do I do this to myself), the random die roller picks... #247! And that film is... available exclusively on HBO Max, a streaming service I don't currently have access to. Oh no, it looks like I'll have to talk about a secret agent monkey another day. So let's roll again... #195! The Phantom! This I can do!
Merry Christmas! My gift to you is me rambling about aspect ratios. No, you can't exchange it for something else. So anyway, you've probably heard of "widescreen" versus "full screen." Full screen is an aspect ratio of 4:3 (if the width is 4 units, then the height is 3 units), creating close to a square. This was the format of most early television shows and a lot of movies got cut down to that for a home release, either losing things on the sides or forcing editors to make awkward shifts to keep the action on the smaller screen. Case in point, the DVD of The Muppet Christmas Carol I have gives you the option of watching either widescreen or full screen before starting the movie, and in the full screen example you can see Peter Cratchit nearly cut out of the shot entirely. So widescreen for theatrical movies is generally better, right? Well, let me tell you why I prefer to watch this particular movie in full screen, or at least for one particular scene...
I want to start by saying that we have a lot to thank Robert Zemeckis for. He wrote and directed Back to the Future, its sequels, and directed the... Back to the Future Saturday morning cartoon? That has to be a typo. Anyway the man is a legend! Buuuuut... holy crap, his animated movies are unpleasant to look at. It also doesn't help that the story at the heart of The Polar Express is also pretty blah.
Ah, Christmas... It's a magical time of year overflowing with romantic opportunities. Or at least that's how it is in Lifetime original movies where the only gift the female lead needs to buy is for her love interest, friends and family be damned. These movies generally follow a plot of "woman sad, woman meet man, woman kiss man in snow," but when a film breaks with that pattern, sometimes true magic happens. So let's talk about a Lifetime movie where a lady wants to fuck a Christmas ghost!
Going through all these Children of the Corn movies for October of the Corn, we see that the movies so far have covered a lot of ground (or, as much ground as you can cover when the main focus is a creepy kid cult). We've had the cult be active in the modern day and also a relic of years past. We've had the setting be a corn field and also urban Chicago. We've had the cult led by children, and also an adult who happened to have once been one of those kid leaders. And now we come to Children of the Corn: Revelation, a movie about the ghosts of the cult haunting... an apartment complex. Man, moments like this really hammer home that this is no one's favorite franchise.
Leading up to talking about horror movies every weekday in October I got a Shudder account. If you don't know what that is, it's a streaming service that caters specifically to the horror genre. That's actually where I watched Mandy after Amazon was a lagging piece of garbage! I don't know if I'll keep with it after the free month is over, but in the mean time it has been interesting to watch some Shudder exclusives like 2020's Spiral, a queer horror thriller! Not to be confused with 2021's Spiral, which is the revival of the Saw franchise.
By my counting, Mummy Mondays should've ended on June 1st. This is assuming that coronavirus didn't upend just about everything, Movie Night was still meeting regularly, and that we wouldn't've missed a week. But coronavirus did happen and it took me months before I decided to finish up this series by myself. It's been a weird trip full of bad sequels and rare good moments, but with Mr. Tom Cruise's 2017 The Mummy, we can finally put this monster back in its tomb.
Full disclosure, this was the last film in Mummy Mondays that I was looking forward to. I had never seen a Scorpion King movie before this, and I wasn't all that excited to do so. This movie was the exception for two very big reasons: Mr. Billy Zane and Ron Perlman! Motherfuckin' the Collector from Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and the good Hellboy! Even if this movie was awful, at least I had those two keeping me afloat.
Ha ha HA!! I bet you saw the title and thought to yourself, "Oh thank god, he's finally done with all that Mothman shit." WELL THINK AGAIN, DEAR READER!! Turns out Tubi had one last movie with Mothman, and this time there's an actual Mothman in it! Sure, it was for two seconds, and it was actually a dream, and it looked like garbage, but still!