Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

There's something about franchises--particularly big horror franchises--where it sure seems like each one has a film that just refuses to stick in my head. I wrote about Children of the Corn: The Gathering just last year, but even then I still only remember the barest of details without looking at the post. Something about a fever...? In that same vein, was it Leprechaun 2 or Leprechaun 3 where he was at a pawn shop? And A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is just a total blank to me. The point being I've seen all 10 Hellraiser films before, but had no memory of what the hell Hellraiser: Deader was about. But now I've rewatched it and can safely say that I'll most likely forget every detail of this boring movie--again--by next month, if not next week.

Tag (2015)

Tag caught my attention the first time I read a summary of it and thought, "Holy shit, are they fucking serious?" Before I get to what made my jaw drop, I want to specify which Tag this actually is. It's not 2018's Tag about grown men playing a game of tag. It's not 1982's Tag: The Assassination Game with Linda Hamilton. It's not even 2015's Japanese Tag where heads explode. No, this is 2015's American Tag--or 2012, or 2014, or 2016 depending on which site you check--where McLovin gets sucked into one man's plan to spread HIV to as many people as possible.

Sukiyaki Western Django (2007)

I honestly didn't plan on this being a mini-event week. I started with 1966's Django, then found out about 2017's biography Django about musician Django Reinhardt, who the western gunslinger is named after. Then I went down a rabbit hole of all the unofficial sequels that had "Django" in the title and noticed Sukiyaki Western Django, an English language Japanese western by... Mr. Takashi Miike? The same Mr. Takashi Miike responsible for Ichi the Killer, Audition, Visitor Q, and The Happiness of the Katakuris? Well shit, I guess I have to watch it! And so here we are. No more "Django" movies next week, I promise.

Beethoven’s 2nd (1993)

I'm back with more Beethoven movies! Yes, the franchise with fewer films than Air Bud and Air Buddies (14) continues on with its first sequel. I imagine this was made because the first Beethoven made back 8 times its budget, and money talks. As we get further into the franchise I'm going to start assuming that "a desire for money" is the main motivator behind ideas like "Beethoven, but The Prince and the Pauper" or "Beethoven, but with Christmas magic." But those are future reviews; today we're going to talk about the one with an attempted sexual assault and a sexual abuser!

Haunting Me (2007)

I want you to know that there are times when I go above and beyond for this blog. Netflix has the Oh My Ghost films, a Thailand horror/comedy series starring a group of aging kathoeys--kind of like drag queens, kind of like trans women, kind of a third gender option... Similar to "baklâ" in the Philippines, which I talked about in the ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Moveeh post. But I wasn't satisfied with those films, because there's a piece missing. Oh My Ghost is marketed as the first of four films, but it's actually the second of something like six. The first is Haunting Me, AKA Hor Taew Tak, translated to something like Taew's Dormitory is Broken. But Netflix doesn't have Hor Taew Tak, so I spent far too much time searching before finding it on AsianCrush. Let's hope that's a trustworthy website, cause we're continuing Pride Month by taking about haunted ladyboys from Thailand!

The Mummy’s Kiss: 2nd Dynasty (2006)

If I say that this was a highly requested movie, would you believe me? It's an obvious lie, of course, but it sounds better than admitting I wanted to watch this. Long story short, back in April of 2020 when we didn't realize how long the quarantine was going to be, Mummy Mondays was put on indefinite hold along with my friends' Movie Night. I watched several movies with mummies in the Mondays that followed, and one of them was The Mummy's Kiss, a lesbian porn with mummies and a flimsy plot. Well, there was a sequel made, so that's where we are now. Yup, this is definitely something people wanted to see and not my grim curiosity in action!

Wildling (2018)

Sometimes you watch a movie because an actor you like is in it. I don't remember Hellraiser: Hellworld for it's groundbreaking script, but because the prolific Mr. Lance Henriksen was in the Hellraiser sequel that took place in an video game. And... Henry Cavill was in it? I'll file that away for later, but the point still stands. So while looking for my next movie to review I saw the trailer for Wildling, recognized an actor in this, and instantly knew I had to watch it. And as a bonus, Brad Dourif--Wormtongue in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chucky in Child's Play, and a dozen more recognizable roles--is also in this!

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think "happy ending," but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it's a handjob thing, so I'm going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let's finish this.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

A good sequel ups the stakes of the original. If it has the same threat and energy level, then it's more of the same and begs the question, what's the point? Feast II: Sloppy Seconds takes the chaotic energy of Feast and absolutely raises it through more monsters, more bloodshed, and more dark comedy of questionable taste. This one has a bit more of a focus on story and characters than the previous one--although just barely--so a kill count would miss some... subtlety. Back to the regular review format, I guess!

Promising Young Woman (2020)

One of the downsides of doing an event or theme month is that anything that doesn't fit in gets pushed back. I saw Promising Young Woman near the middle of January but it absolutely didn't match that month's "worst ever" theme. Plus, I had already cheesed it by finding a negative review for the good movie Possessor, so doing that twice felt too much like cheating. So here we are in February, talking about a movie that came out in December. Ever so topical.