Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

I fully know that I have no one to blame for this but me. I went down a weird rabbit hole on Tubi and found a horror porno called Haunted Hellcats, but IMDB had never heard of it. It had heard of Paranormal Sexperiments with the same cast and crew, as did Amazon dot com. But both the Amazon and Tubi versions were too short to be the full movie, and a couple minutes into the Tubi version--like hell am I going to give Amazon any of my money over porn for straight men--it was clear that it was heavily censored. So much like The Mummy's Kiss before it, I had to turn to porn sites to find the full movie. Was it worth it? No. No! Absolutely not! Why would you even ask that?!

Ozark Sharks (2016)

So I obviously missed Shark Week this year. It was supposed to happen in August during this week, but sometime around the end of June or beginning of July, it got rescheduled to July 11th. The problem was that well before that time I had already planned on what to review this week, so why would I think to double check when Shark Week was happening? So here were are, a month after the actual event, watching some absolutely awful SyFy Channel original shark movies. Well, at least Ozark Sharks wasn't as bad as Mississippi River Sharks.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon (2016)

Lemme pull back the curtain a bit here at Chwineka Watches: I usually listen to music when writing up these posts. Revolutionary, I know. I have that "lofi hip hop radio" YouTube video bookmarked, but lately I've felt the urge to listen to music in my collection. Even more recently, I've taken all the songs I have from my new favorite band--the Anix--put them into one playlist, and just hit shuffle when it comes time to write. I really do like these guys, so imagine my surprise when I heard them while watching this utterly lackluster Serbian film! But, like, not actually A Serbian Film, a movie I will never watch, let alone for this blog.

Doctor Strange (2016)

Everything is better when you add magic. Got a medieval-ish story? Throw in some wizards and necromancers and let's have fun. Grim and gritty urban noir setting? Add an asshole detective who can cast spells and it's automatically a hundred times better. Have one of the most successful film franchises in history? Let's add Doctor Strange to the mix. MUC March is continuing on, now talking about the magical side of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

This is a movie about division. An argument springs up that splits a group in two, pitting them against each other in a fight neither side can truly win. I'm talking of course about how my husband and I absolutely disagree about who was "right" in Captain America: Civil War, and it causes a lengthy discussion every time this movie gets brought up. Welcome back to MCU March! We're in the endgame towards Avengers: Endgame as the Marvel Cinematic Universe has officially entered Phase Three.

The Lighthouse (2016)

Today's film is... wait a second... The Lighthouse? Didn't I already cover that in October? This must be a different movie with the same title, then. Lemme read the description: "Two men fight for their lives and their sanity when they're trapped in a remote lighthouse for months while a freak storm rages and tragedy strikes." Huh. That, uh... That sure does sound like The Lighthouse. But this came out a few years before and stars no names I recognize--the two leads here were in Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi as "Captain Whose Seige Dreadnought Gets Bombed at the Start" and "Shuttle Pilot Who Looks Worried when Kylo Ren Demands More." So, uh... I guess we should see how this movie differs from the one you've actually heard of.

Collateral Beauty (2016)

Folks, this is an extra special post. I've been keeping a detailed list of everything on the blog, and excluding basic information and non-review posts, this is my 200th review! This is huge milestone! And on top of that, today, January 6th, is the one year anniversary of my first review, Under the Silver Lake! When I looked at the calendar I couldn't believe that both events lined up so perfectly, yet here we are. Thank you all so much for sticking around and giving me a little serotonin boost whenever I see your views, likes, and comments. I couldn't have kept this up without you.

The Boy (2016)

I reviewed Brahms: The Boy II what feels like a decade ago, but records tell me was only... 6 and a half months ago? We were so young, back then. Anyway, wasn't it weird that I reviewed a sequel before I talked proper about the first film? So let's dive into the original and see if the sequel's twist ruins everything!

Shin Gojira (2016)

A while back the Movie Night gang watched every live-action Godzilla movie (I have to specify that because of those three CG Netflix ones). That’s 32 movies, by the way, so this took some time. And it turns out, a lot of them are just… fine. They’re fine. There are some really bad ones (fuck you, Gabara) and some really good ones (you can stay, Biollante), but most are just okay. Shin Godzilla, however, is one of the really good ones.

Legends of the Hidden Temple (2016)

I remember watching the Legends of the Hidden Temple TV show when I was a kid. If you don’t know what that is, that just reminds me that I’m an old on the internet. Anyway, it was a adventure game show on Nickelodeon back in the 1990’s where teams of kids would attempt challenges, and if successful they would enter the Hidden Temple and try to get an artifact out before the hidden guards would pop out, scare the shit out of them (and probably a good number of kids watching), and end their run. And because nothing is sacred, in 2016 it was brought back as a made for TV movie. Apparently the first game show to be turned into a movie! That’s certainly… something.