Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)

I just don't understand Joker's Poltergeist, AKA Joker's Wild. Arguments could be made for it being pro-gun, anti-gun, and also some weak ass middle ground just "trying to start a discussion." I'm afraid the answer may be the third option, which makes the movie being obviously inspired by the 2012 Aurora, Colorado theater shooting incredibly distasteful. Like, the main character's name is Aurora and she survives a shooting in a theater done by people in clown masks. Fuckin' yikes.

Red Christmas (2016)

I had the option to watch something good for today's post. Friends have recommended Make the Yuletide Gay to me for a while now, but for whatever reason I just wasn't feeling it at the moment. No, I was in the mood for something absolutely awful. Just some utter dogshit. But because it's December--Christmas Eve today, in fact--it has to be festive. Well good thing there's Red Christmas, a movie about an aborted fetus that survived and seeks revenge on his mother (Mrs. Dee Wallace). No, this isn't the only "survived being aborted" movie, and yes, I'll get to Hanger someday. But today we talk about Cletus the fetus in this movie that's barely about Christmas.

A Puppy for Christmas (2016)

Christmas means many things to many people, but its true meaning is to be in a relationship with someone who will help you decorate a tree for the holidays. Oh, you doubt me? Then why are there a million different Christmas romances where that's the message? Checkmate. In this particular case, A Puppy for Christmas is about finding your one true Christmas love AND adopting the worst puppy ever. Just a garbage dog. Girl, you're ruining your life with this animal.

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

I fully know that I have no one to blame for this but me. I went down a weird rabbit hole on Tubi and found a horror porno called Haunted Hellcats, but IMDB had never heard of it. It had heard of Paranormal Sexperiments with the same cast and crew, as did Amazon dot com. But both the Amazon and Tubi versions were too short to be the full movie, and a couple minutes into the Tubi version--like hell am I going to give Amazon any of my money over porn for straight men--it was clear that it was heavily censored. So much like The Mummy's Kiss before it, I had to turn to porn sites to find the full movie. Was it worth it? No. No! Absolutely not! Why would you even ask that?!

Ozark Sharks (2016)

So I obviously missed Shark Week this year. It was supposed to happen in August during this week, but sometime around the end of June or beginning of July, it got rescheduled to July 11th. The problem was that well before that time I had already planned on what to review this week, so why would I think to double check when Shark Week was happening? So here were are, a month after the actual event, watching some absolutely awful SyFy Channel original shark movies. Well, at least Ozark Sharks wasn't as bad as Mississippi River Sharks.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon (2016)

Lemme pull back the curtain a bit here at Chwineka Watches: I usually listen to music when writing up these posts. Revolutionary, I know. I have that "lofi hip hop radio" YouTube video bookmarked, but lately I've felt the urge to listen to music in my collection. Even more recently, I've taken all the songs I have from my new favorite band--the Anix--put them into one playlist, and just hit shuffle when it comes time to write. I really do like these guys, so imagine my surprise when I heard them while watching this utterly lackluster Serbian film! But, like, not actually A Serbian Film, a movie I will never watch, let alone for this blog.

Doctor Strange (2016)

Everything is better when you add magic. Got a medieval-ish story? Throw in some wizards and necromancers and let's have fun. Grim and gritty urban noir setting? Add an asshole detective who can cast spells and it's automatically a hundred times better. Have one of the most successful film franchises in history? Let's add Doctor Strange to the mix. MUC March is continuing on, now talking about the magical side of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

This is a movie about division. An argument springs up that splits a group in two, pitting them against each other in a fight neither side can truly win. I'm talking of course about how my husband and I absolutely disagree about who was "right" in Captain America: Civil War, and it causes a lengthy discussion every time this movie gets brought up. Welcome back to MCU March! We're in the endgame towards Avengers: Endgame as the Marvel Cinematic Universe has officially entered Phase Three.

The Lighthouse (2016)

Today's film is... wait a second... The Lighthouse? Didn't I already cover that in October? This must be a different movie with the same title, then. Lemme read the description: "Two men fight for their lives and their sanity when they're trapped in a remote lighthouse for months while a freak storm rages and tragedy strikes." Huh. That, uh... That sure does sound like The Lighthouse. But this came out a few years before and stars no names I recognize--the two leads here were in Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi as "Captain Whose Seige Dreadnought Gets Bombed at the Start" and "Shuttle Pilot Who Looks Worried when Kylo Ren Demands More." So, uh... I guess we should see how this movie differs from the one you've actually heard of.

Collateral Beauty (2016)

Folks, this is an extra special post. I've been keeping a detailed list of everything on the blog, and excluding basic information and non-review posts, this is my 200th review! This is huge milestone! And on top of that, today, January 6th, is the one year anniversary of my first review, Under the Silver Lake! When I looked at the calendar I couldn't believe that both events lined up so perfectly, yet here we are. Thank you all so much for sticking around and giving me a little serotonin boost whenever I see your views, likes, and comments. I couldn't have kept this up without you.