Oh, you thought you I was done with Christmas movies just because the 25th had come and gone? Nope! This month had several interruptions to the theme, so I'm making up for it by finishing the week off with a few more holiday films. And hopefully some good ones since January's theme is... it's going to be bad. I honestly don't know if I can keep it up through all of that month.
Happy Halloween! I know I usually do movie posts on weekdays, but today is a very special day. Not only is it my favorite holiday, but this is my 400th post! Not including "basic information" stuff, but still! My 100th post was Viktor un Viktoria because I wasn't paying attention, my 200th was Collateral Beauty back in January (#ReleaseTheChwinekaCut), and my 300th was Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood during Pride Month because I again wasn't paying attention. Now here we are with The Descent: Part 2, which you probably figured was a sequel to The Descent, a movie I reviewed last Halloween. The original is one of my favorite movies and an amazing horror film. So by ensuring that the 400th post synced up with the spookiest day of the year, you'd think that its sequel is equally deserving of praise. Nope! This is a piece of shit and I hate it!
Not every movie in this interlude near the middle of the Hellbound Halloween is going to have ties to Hellraiser. The previous two films--Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions--are connected through comics and novels, but that still counts (sort of). Book of Blood, however, is just a ghost story. It does have ties to other films, but no obvious connection to Pinhead and his ilk. They can't all fit the theme perfectly.
I want to say that I found this movie by looking up superhero movies. Tell Tale is a film written by Mr. Dave Callaham, who is credited as the writer on Wonder Woman 1984, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and the upcoming Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2. Hell, Callaham also wrote 2021's Mortal Kombat and all four The Expendables movies--no, you're not having a stroke, the fourth one hasn't come out yet. Or that I found it looking up movies based on Edgar Allan Poe stories. All those are things I would talk about here, so it would make sense. But no, I discovered this obscure movie in a way that leaves me honestly feeling a bit embarrassed...
Have you ever read a movie's summary or watched a trailer and though, "Oh, this is going to be awful"? I get that feeling a lot--most recently I'm looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is... Against the Dark!
All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think "happy ending," but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it's a handjob thing, so I'm going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let's finish this.
I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they'd ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I'm now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well...
We are so close to finishing October of the Corn... And October too, but this spooky month doesn't exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984's Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it's an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado...
So X-Men: The Last Stand was not very good. I know, the hottest of hot takes. So I'm sure the stakes while making X-Men Origins: Wolverine were high as a result. 20th Century Fox needed to this to be good, damn it! This could be the start of an entire X-Men Origins, or possibly lead to an X-Men 4! That's obviously not what happened, in part because this film was... Well, I'll hold off on my opinion 'til later for dramatic effect.
Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.