Book of Blood (2009)

Not every movie in this interlude near the middle of the Hellbound Halloween is going to have ties to Hellraiser. The previous two films--Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions--are connected through comics and novels, but that still counts (sort of). Book of Blood, however, is just a ghost story. It does have ties to other films, but no obvious connection to Pinhead and his ilk. They can't all fit the theme perfectly.

Tell Tale (2009)

I want to say that I found this movie by looking up superhero movies. Tell Tale is a film written by Mr. Dave Callaham, who is credited as the writer on Wonder Woman 1984, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and the upcoming Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2. Hell, Callaham also wrote 2021's Mortal Kombat and all four The Expendables movies--no, you're not having a stroke, the fourth one hasn't come out yet. Or that I found it looking up movies based on Edgar Allan Poe stories. All those are things I would talk about here, so it would make sense. But no, I discovered this obscure movie in a way that leaves me honestly feeling a bit embarrassed...

Against the Dark (2009)

Have you ever read a movie's summary or watched a trailer and though, "Oh, this is going to be awful"? I get that feeling a lot--most recently I'm looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is... Against the Dark!

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think "happy ending," but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it's a handjob thing, so I'm going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let's finish this.

Taintlight (2009)

I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they'd ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I'm now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well...

Children of the Corn (2009)

We are so close to finishing October of the Corn... And October too, but this spooky month doesn't exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984's Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it's an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado...

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

So X-Men: The Last Stand was not very good. I know, the hottest of hot takes. So I'm sure the stakes while making X-Men Origins: Wolverine were high as a result. 20th Century Fox needed to this to be good, damn it! This could be the start of an entire X-Men Origins, or possibly lead to an X-Men 4! That's obviously not what happened, in part because this film was... Well, I'll hold off on my opinion 'til later for dramatic effect.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.

UFO: The Greatest Story Ever Denied II: Moon Rising (2009)

Who knew that batshit conspiracy theories could be so boring? Long story short, I heard about Gaia, a steaming service of "consciousness expanding videos." It has a bunch of yoga stuff, but apparently it's also notorious for having some really out there conspiracy videos. So, of course, I signed up for a free trial to see how kooky things could get. And the answer is, pretty damn kooky!

Lo (2009)

Look, I absolutely can talk about Batman non-stop for weeks on end, but for both our sakes I'd rather not. I still have several movies I own that I want to talk about, so that means the occasional break in the three or four weeks I'm going to be focusing on this particular superhero. So instead of something related like The Shadow, we have Lo.