I can't do anything easily, can I? I'm already a month late to reviewing Godzilla vs. Kong, and yet I feel the need to start at the beginning of the so-called MonsterVerse cinematic universe with 2014's Godzilla, AKA the one I think is the least good. I mean, it's not the worst Godzilla movie ever--I hate you so much, Gabara and will NEVER forgive you for existing--but of the four films in this new franchise, it's the weakest, in part because it shows as little of Godzilla as possible.
The previous film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, saw trust betrayed when it was revealed that Hydra had been a part of SHIELD all along, leading to SHIELD's dissolution and changing the landscape for all Earth-based heroes. But enough of that serious shit, let's have wacky space adventures! Welcome back to MCU March; let's talk about Guardians of the Galaxy.
I know I basically said that Thor: The Dark World was a turning point for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but that's more a collection of little details. Captain America: The Winter Soldier, however? This is a huge moment in the franchise, splitting everything into "films before" and "films after." It's also the first MCU film by the directors of several episodes of Community, Mr. Joe and Mr. Anthony Russo. Oh yeah, they both directed the pilot and Joe also directed Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, A Fistfull of Paintballs, and For a Few Paintballs More. That probably explains why Abed was working for SHIELD... They also directed Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Infinity War, and Avengers: Endgame, so that's probably more relevant to MCU March.
As promised in the Excision post, today we're talking about Suburban Gothic. Outside of Excision I have not actually seen anything featuring Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler. I didn't get into Criminal Minds and the Alvin and the Chipmunks quadrilogy is reserved for a week when I just want to suffer. But I knew of him through memes, so I was excited to watch this. Add in Kat Dennings--now featured in WandaVision which I talk about the day after each new episode--and we have a recipe for a good time! It's just a shame, then, that the movie was... fine. It's fine. It was okay.
I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven't heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let's dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron! Wait... I'm not talking about 2000's Left Behind? Instead I'm talking about the 2014 one starring Nic Cage, where even Christian reviewers thought it was one of the worst movies ever made? I never thought I would ever say this, but I'd rather watch a Kirk Cameron movie. I don't know how to feel about that...
"The Star Wars Holiday Special inspired me to do this," is a dangerous statement and sounds like something a guy acting as his own lawyer would tell a judge. But a while ago I asked around on social media what people thought was the worst movie they had ever seen, and one person responded with the Holiday Special. Worst ever, hm? What if I reviewed a bunch of movies like that? What if I spent all of January reviewing absolute dogshit movies, and Mr. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas being (as of writing) #6 on the IMDB Bottom 100 would be a good transition to that since it's still December? So here we are, talking about the dork from Growing Pains doing what he does best: be insufferable.
What's worse than a Mothman movie with a bad Mothman? A Mothman movie that doesn't have any Mothman! Yeah, we're still on America's second favorite cryptid (I'll get to you another day, Bigfoot), and today's movie is just... bad. Astonishingly bad. So bad that I'm skipping a normal recap and just ripping right into the fucker.
I know that one or two of you were expecting an X-Men: First Class review to happen this week, but I need a break from big budget franchises (not stopping Mummy Mondays though, sorry not sorry). Why watch movies that people have actually heard of when I can go back to talking about the weirdest shit no one but me cares about? Gotta stick to my brand! With that out of the way, today I'm talking about a movie I've mentioned previously on this blog: Honeymoon.
I really have to stop thinking, "This is the worst Mega Shark movie yet," when there are still more to go. This has been a rough Shark Week, but it's all self-inflicted so... sucks to be me! Anyway, I will start this by saying that in the years since Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, the special effects have improved! The mega shark actually sometimes looks good! But there's always a cost, and this time the cost is that everything else is very bad.
I should come up with an official policy on how to tag movies with a twist that nullifies another tag. Like, spoilers for The Turning, but should I really have tagged the movie “ghosts” if the ending pretty conclusively says that she was crazy the whole time and there’s nothing supernatural happening? But the ghosts–or at least the concept of ghosts–is pretty crucial to the movie. And since the tags are listed at the top of the page, you might be seeing where I’m going with this.