I have no one to blame but myself. Not only did I willingly invited suffering into my life, but I sought it out. And all it cost me was a piece of my soul. And $13. Free shipping, though!

Once upon a time, there was a bad movie named Blood Freak, a Christian anti-pot splatter flick about a man who eats contaminated turkey meat, grows a turkey head, and goes around killing stoners. It’s god awful, but it’s also hilarious! The narrator has a coughing fit at one point because while preaching about the evils of marijuana, he’s chain smoking cigarettes. Then I found out about a 2020 remake of this infamous film, so of course I had to check it out. It wasn’t streaming anywhere I could find, so I ended up paying real for a physical copy of the movie (don’t ask how much I’ve spent on this blog). What I got was… less than impressive.

First of all, the DVD case showed up absolutely crushed. A victim of shipping, I’m sure, but the case won’t close and has shards of black plastic sticking out. The informative paper in the slipcase was printed out on a home printer, and I think mine could’ve done a better job. And the DVD itself was an unlabeled DVD-R that they burned the movie onto. I went in with low expectations, and yet I still was disappointed.

2020’s Blood Freak is a “parody” of the original. But where Reefer Madness the Movie Musical was a clever, creative, and funny remake of Reefer Madness, this is just… bad. A bunch of bros with a shitty camera goofing off long enough to be considered a “movie.” Bad quality, bad audio, bad acting, bad script–they change the dumb ending into something even stupider–bad killer turkey head, and just… bad. It’s bad all over. It’s unfunny, uninteresting, and just a slog to sit through. Maybe the commentary track where they’re all drunk might help, but when has listening to a bunch of drunk people ramble while you’re stone sober ever been fun? And the bloopers are 20 minutes long. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Please avoid the Blood Freak remake. There’s nothing of any value to be found. Watch the original and laugh at how dumb it is while being earnest, instead of slogging through this disaster.

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