Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

Last year I said that The Blair Witch Project is a great film, and I will always stand by that statement. Sure, it unleashed a plague of cheap found footage garbage, but can you really blame the good thing for all the cheap knockoffs that follow? Speaking of cheap knockoffs, this year we're talking about Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, a mistake on just about every level. Sure, that sounds a bit unfair, but how else am I supposed to feel about a movie called "Book of Shadows" that doesn't ever feature--or even reference or mention--a spooky and/or witchy book? So the title is a lie, right out the gate? Fan-fuckin-tastic.

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

I fully know that I have no one to blame for this but me. I went down a weird rabbit hole on Tubi and found a horror porno called Haunted Hellcats, but IMDB had never heard of it. It had heard of Paranormal Sexperiments with the same cast and crew, as did Amazon dot com. But both the Amazon and Tubi versions were too short to be the full movie, and a couple minutes into the Tubi version--like hell am I going to give Amazon any of my money over porn for straight men--it was clear that it was heavily censored. So much like The Mummy's Kiss before it, I had to turn to porn sites to find the full movie. Was it worth it? No. No! Absolutely not! Why would you even ask that?!

Cool as Ice (1991)

Mr. Vanilla Ice was never actually cool, right? All I really know about him is that he did "Ninja Rap" for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, he copied the baseline in "Ice Ice Baby" from Queen's "Under Pressure," and he has an enormous dick. Allegedly. I think he's more meme than man today, but was he ever actually popular to the masses? Apparently not movie audiences if the failure of Cool as Ice is any indication.

Beethoven’s Treasure Tail (2014)

And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. We've reached the 8th and final--as of time of writing--Beethoven movie. We started with one family, shifted to their cousins in Beethoven's 3rd, swapped over to a different cousin in Beethoven's 5th, rebooted the entire franchise in Beethoven's Big Break, and had a pointless Christmas side story of dubious canonicity in Beethoven's Christmas Adventure. Does this overly long franchise end on a bang instead of a whimper? Why would you ever seriously ask that question. Of course it doesn't.

Beethoven’s Big Break (2008)

We are six movies into this damned franchise. The series has gone on so long that this film is a reboot, showcasing a completely different dog with the same name and behaviors. Why did I do this to myself? The inevitable plan for reviewing all 14 Air Bud and Air Buddies movies is to cover them once a week, so why did I think marathoning Beethoven movies would be a good idea? I'm going to finish this--mostly out of spite--but then no more animal themed movies until at least November. Except maybe Pig.

Beethoven’s 3rd (2000)

The Beethoven movies are apparently lucrative. The first film, Beethoven, was popular enough that a sequel, Beethoven's 2nd, was quickly made for release the next year. Sure, the second one didn't get very good reviews, but that never really stopped anyone before. It did seem to put off any more sequels for while, though; Beethoven's 3rd came out 7 years after its predecessor. It was straight to DVD and had none of the original cast. But how do you tell the story of this particular dog, beloved by his family, if you don't have that particular family? Why, you mail him in a crate to relatives!

Mississippi River Sharks (2017)

You know what time it is? It's Shark Week, mothertruckers! Time to celebrate that specific brand of fish with TV programs all about them, and for me it means watching some absolutely terrible shark-themed movies. Last year I celebrated by watching the Mega Shark franchise (released so far): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and Mega Shark vs Kolossus. This year I'm covering most of the films on the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Film" DVD pack I picked up as an impulse buy ages ago. I've already covered Ghost Shark and am saving Santa Jaws for December, but that's still 5 movies on this pack to cover! I know the math doesn't add up, but trust me. Yup, Shark Week this year is going to be tight!

Joe Bell (2020)

When I first saw the trailer for Joe Bell, I thought to myself, "What kind of hetero nonsense is this?" It told too much of the story: a young gay man kills himself, and his father feels really bad about it. I joked that the real title should be A is for Ally and just assumed that it would be a movie that would make my eyes roll. But oh, dear reader, I was wrong. This movie pissed me the FUCK off.

Lost Lake (2003)

I will admit that I have trouble deciding what to review here. I want to find the right balance between the extremes of "no one has ever seen this movie" and "everyone has seen this movie." I don't always do that well, as is the case with today's film, Lost Lake, which has only one watch on Letterboxed: my own (this is also the case for A Windigo Tale, a story of the trauma residential schools do, which is... sadly always relevant). No one has heard of this movie! Why should I take the time to talk about it? Well, how else are people going to learn about the sheer madness that is the alternate--and true--ending of this film?

Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood (2013)

By sheer coincidence, it's been about a year since I reviewed Vampire Boys, a gay queer vampire flick that is... not very good. I didn't do a themed Pride Month last year, so watching it in June was just something that happened. But here we are, now talking about Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood. Just about every major cast member has been replaced, except for... wait, who was Tara again? Of course I actually remember--she's the girl that adds a smidge of bisexuality to what is otherwise an incredibly gay movie.