All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think “happy ending,” but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it’s a handjob thing, so I’m going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let’s finish this.
We pick up a little before the last movie ended, showing that one of the Mexican wrestling little people survived getting blown up and that Biker Queen made quick work of the apparently only monster that made it to the roof. As for Honey Pie, her death at the end of the last movie was a fakeout, but she absolutely dies within the first few minutes. She gets decapitated by a monster, it eats her head, and then immediately shits it out. Lovely. The survivors–now with the methed out Hobo–meet up with Shitkicker (Mr. John Allen Nelson, AKA John Datable Cort from Baywatch), but poor trigger discipline from Secrets ends him very quickly. More deaths happen including Tit Girl (who was never properly named, but Tat Girl did get a title card this time), Hobo, and Slasher–who gets monster raped to death and becomes a monster mutant, somehow–but the group is saved by… sigh… “Short Bus Gus.” His title card calls him “Prophet” and the group generally calls him “Jesus” or “Moses,” but we saw him briefly in the second film where a reporter called him that name. At the very least they got a comedian with cerebral palsy instead of having a quote-unquote “normal” person doing a bit, so that’s something. Tat Girl gets killed by some sewer freaks that got monster puke all over them and went insane, but the rest are rescued by Jean-Claude Segal, who immediately gets an arm ripped off. Bartender attempts to cauterize a wound on his other arm using gunpowder–fun fact, don’t do this–but it blows off his remaining arm. Sewer mutants and monsters and Slasher 2.0 attack and everyone dies except Bartender, Secrets, and one of the Mexican wrestling little people. Okay, Biker Queen doesn’t die, but she’s covered in vomit and rids off as a distraction rather than slow everyone down. But then we have the ending…
For better or worse, it’s obvious that they had no idea how to finish this film. The premise was done pretty well in Feast but was stretched to near translucidity by the third movie. So we get an ending that is infamous among our my friends for stunning us all into silence: Thinking they’re the only survivors left in the world, Bartender suggests they start fucking to repopulate. But before that can happen, a giant metal robot I affectionately call “Megatron” steps on Secrets and the wrestler, killing them instantly. We then pan over to a mariachi who sings a summary of the trilogy in Spanish. There’s a small moment with Bartender after that, but this is how they ended it? That’s insane! Utterly pointless! And… kind of genius, really.
Watching Feast III for this review was like watching it for the first time all over again. I remembered one or two plot points, but the majority of it was just lost to time. Puker Girl? Hobo’s underground meth bus? A sewer rave full of vomit-covered freaks? No, the only thing I vividly remembered about this movie was the ending. I won’t go as far as to say this was a good ending, but it sure made an impression. Back when we could actually see each other in person without having to worry about safety precautions, Movie Night would typically watch 3 movies a week. That’s around 150 movies a year and almost 2000 in the decade since I first saw this. So I will give this film at least one point for doing something truly memorable.
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