Children of the Corn: Genesis (2012)

Do you know how bad you have to be to become the worst movie in the Children of the Corn franchise? Yeah yeah, welcome to October of the Corn, I'm mad at this movie. I complained that Children of the Corn: The Gathering felt like an unrelated script that slapped the franchise name on it, but this movie... this fucking movie... Okay, enough vague ranting, let's dive in.

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)

Full disclosure, this was the last film in Mummy Mondays that I was looking forward to. I had never seen a Scorpion King movie before this, and I wasn't all that excited to do so. This movie was the exception for two very big reasons: Mr. Billy Zane and Ron Perlman! Motherfuckin' the Collector from Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and the good Hellboy! Even if this movie was awful, at least I had those two keeping me afloat.

So Undercover (2012)

This post is not sponsored by Tubi, but I am gonna gush about them for a bit. Sorry, but’s a site with a bunch of movies you can watch for free! Sure there are ads, but uBlock Origin beats that shit down pretty well. And the movies come in a variety of flavors, from “That was pretty good,” to “Wait, they made a movie with THAT premise?!” And on that note, let’s talk about So Undercover, a film where Ms. Miley Cyrus infiltrates a sorority under orders from the FBI.

Foodfight! (2012)

I don’t know about you, but I need a break from Batman. So let’s switch gears and watching something absolutely awful! Foodfight!–the title has an exclamation point so you know it’s quality–is infamously bad: it’s hideous, the story sucks, it’s shameless product placement, and it cost $65 million to make because they had no idea what they were doing and then the computers the movie was stored on got stolen. Oops! It eventually limped its way to a DVD release, and here we are. I own this. I make only the best decisions.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

I want to do something different for The Dark Knight Rises, so let’s get the summary out of the way now: 8 years after The Dark Knight, Batman is retired, Catwoman is never called that in the movie, Bane wants to destroy Gotham, he breaks the Bat, Alfred pulls a “Giles leaves Buffy in season 6” and I still hate it, we see society turning on the rich as envisioned by the rich, surprise it was Talia all along, Batman dies, but not really, Bruce and Selina are happy, and Mr. Joseph Gordon-Levitt may become the new Batman. Or maybe Robin. It has obvious elements of Knightfall (Bane breaking Batman’s back) and No Man’s Land (Gotham is separated from the rest of the United States), but also some nods to Kingdom Come (Bruce’s body being in horrible shape after years of crime fighting, and the line “So that’s what that feels like”). We good? We good.