So it was my friend's birthday last week. He's part of Movie Night--he's actually the guy who started it in his parents' basement--and wanted to watch something truly awful in celebration. Just some absolute dog shit. And I thought, hey, I know something that is supposed to be irredeemably bad! And so we watched Not Cool, a film that was made by a YouTuber as part of a reality show. And I hated it so much. So, so much.
0.5 stars
Unredeemable trash.
Twisted Pair (2018)
I honestly don't know what to say about this movie. Neil Breen is an auteur with a specific vision on the merging of humanity and advanced technology, and he wants to share that vision with us. Doesn't matter that he's an awful filmmaker and his movies are utterly incomprehensible, I guess.
A Wrestling Christmas Miracle (2020)
Mr. Ken del Vecchio is a bad man. His politics sucks, his writing sucks, his acting sucks, and the fact that he forces his kid into his movies sucks. Joker's Poltergeist was in very poor taste, A Karate Christmas Miracle, was baffling, and A Wrestling Christmas Miracle was so, so boring. The others may be worse to some people, but this was the bottom of the barrel for me.
Blood Freak (2020)
I have no one to blame but myself. Not only did I willingly invited suffering into my life, but I sought it out. And all it cost me was a piece of my soul. And $13. Free shipping, though!
Under ConTroll (2019)
There are two types of bad movies--okay, there are way more than that, but just go with me on this. The two types are movies made sincerely, and those that are not. The Room is a masterpiece of bad cinema because Mr. Tommy Wiseau really, truly thought he was making art. But all the Scary Movie films and their spin-offs were made to be intentionally bad, and they end up being bad in a different, less enjoyable way. So which is Under ConTroll, the German sequel to Troll 2? Well there's nothing sincere about this movie, so that's telling.
Bahum Bug 2 (2020)
I think it's safe to say that I didn't like Bahum Bug. I thought it was lazy, bad, boring, and looked cheap. Also the ending had Bahum Bug repent his evil ways, so what was left for a sequel? I expected some shenanigans like his cousin comes and causes trouble, but oh no. No no no. Bahum Bug 2 decided to be lazier. And worse. Even more boring, and somehow cheaper.
Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus (2021)
I watch a lot of bad movies, but it's not often that I feel like something is actively trying to harm me with how bad it is. Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus may only be a 20 minute short on YouTube, but watching it was one of the most torturous things I have done in recent memory. I'm not even going to provide a link because I don't want to subject anyone else to its awfulness. But talking about it? Sure, why not!
#Horror (2015)
I know I keep talking about it, but The Room is one of my favorite bad movies. Sure, it's awful in just about every way you would judge a film, but the whole thing is so bad it wraps back around to being enjoyable. It's a movie you want to watch with friends. #Horror, however, is bad in an exhausting way. It's not fun, it's not funny, and it's a chore to get through.
Left Behind (2014)
I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven't heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let's dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron! Wait... I'm not talking about 2000's Left Behind? Instead I'm talking about the 2014 one starring Nic Cage, where even Christian reviewers thought it was one of the worst movies ever made? I never thought I would ever say this, but I'd rather watch a Kirk Cameron movie. I don't know how to feel about that...
Ben & Arthur (2002)
Is there a recognized subgenre of movies called something like "The Room, but X" or am I breaking new ground? Either way, it's been too hetero during this month of some of the worst movies ever made, so let's watch The Room, but gay! Yes, even gay directors can make movies that are so bad and boring that I long for the sweet release of death while suffering through them. Equality!
Chwineka Watches 