I count myself lucky that my family isn't too crazy. Sure, we have members like "the one who's always drunk," but things could definitely be worse. Like, oh, for example, my mother didn't have dissociative identity disorder and then died in hospice care, my father didn't die from self-inflicted starvation, and my (nonexistent) brother didn't suffer from schizophrenia before hanging himself! Oh, and I also don't have a tense relationship with my (also nonexistent) children because one time I almost burned them alive while sleepwalking. Man, wouldn't it suck to have that kind of baggage!
When I talked about The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power, I had a number of people very surprised that they made 4 of these movies. Well hold on to your butts, but there's actually 5 (so far). We've gone many different directions in this franchise, from the first feeling similar in tone to The Mummy Returns, the second being the Young Adventures of Mathayus, the third and fourth feeling like unconnected SyFy original movies, and then this one taking itself very seriously. And that could have been interesting, if I weren't exhausted all the way down to my soul by this franchise.
Man, remember when I used to talk about good movies? I don't! According to my lovely archives, the last movie I talked about that was generally considered "good" was last month. Watching two weeks of Mothman movies does horrible things to a person, so I need to take a break from the suck. So let's talk about Mr. Nic Cage killing a cult while high on megadrugs!
Have you noticed that a good chunk of horror media uses easily recognizable creatures but avoids naming them as such? Like, those aren't zombies in The Walking Dead; they're "walkers" or "biters" or whatever. In 28 Days Later they're called "the infected." And in 2007's I Am Legend those aren't "vampires;" they're... actually I don't know what those creatures are supposed to be, but they're vampires in the source material. What I'm trying to say is I didn't hear the word "alien" in this movie until about an hour and 22 minutes in, despite just about everyone watching the movie realizing early on this is about aliens. The trailer's even less subtle!
Ha ha HA!! I bet you saw the title and thought to yourself, "Oh thank god, he's finally done with all that Mothman shit." WELL THINK AGAIN, DEAR READER!! Turns out Tubi had one last movie with Mothman, and this time there's an actual Mothman in it! Sure, it was for two seconds, and it was actually a dream, and it looked like garbage, but still!
The week of “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching” is wrapping up, so let's watching something that I was putting off because I knew it would make me uncomfortable! The premise of The Breeding is pretty simple: a white racist kidnaps a black gay man with the intention of torturing him until he submits to being a slave. Thank god this was written/directed by people of color, because if a white man was behind it I would cringe myself into oblivion. Based on that premise alone, I'm reiterating the warning at the top of the page: viewer discretion is advised, because sexual assault and racism against people of color is baked into the premise.
I warned you all that this was coming. Yes, I’m back talking about another mockbuster from The Asylum, this one being released just days before Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hit theaters. Both movies are about dinosaurs, both have a hardass woman in charge, and both have an unfortunate lack of likable characters. But this one was directed by my nemesis, gay porn star Dylan Vox. Yes, I’m still mad about Vampire Boys!
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some paranormal activity (pun intended) from a movie with “Paranormal” in the title. Well, Paranormal Investigation has other ideas. Sure, it’s the story of a young adult of ambiguous age being possessed by an evil spirit, but there are zero special effects in this movie. Well, okay, there are SOME, but they’re just the cameras glitching slightly when the possessed guy walks past them, and then a mostly invisible body passing by a camera at the very end. So what else does the movie offer? Well… not much.
Watching movies for a post every weekday while I’m stuck in this quarantine endless now (never a tomorrow) does help me keep track of what day it is, but it doesn’t really give me a lot of time to watch anything else. There are a lot of series I’ve fallen behind on while doing all this. So let’s review one of them! I spent 21+ hours watching all of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, so let’s talk about each season this week! I never said I’d only do movie reviews! And even if I did, I lied!
My love of weird, so-bad-it’s-good movies is not a secret. So much so that I had four people tell me about this movie existing, with me responding that oh yes, I have heard of the pastor who turns into a dinosaur and kills people. I even lucked out and got the DVD in the tiny window of opportunity when it was only $4!