The Polar Express (2004)

I want to start by saying that we have a lot to thank Robert Zemeckis for. He wrote and directed Back to the Future, its sequels, and directed the... Back to the Future Saturday morning cartoon? That has to be a typo. Anyway the man is a legend! Buuuuut... holy crap, his animated movies are unpleasant to look at. It also doesn't help that the story at the heart of The Polar Express is also pretty blah.

Santa’s Little Helper (2015)

Once upon a time, my guilty pleasure was watching WWE wrestling (I've previously talked about it in the Scooby-Doo! and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon post). But even that doesn't fully explain why I bought a physical DVD of a Christmas comedy starring The "The Miz" Miz, AKA Mr. Mike Mizanin, AKA The Miz. He's not my favorite wrestler. He's not even in my top 10! The only lists he tops are "most punchable faces" and "best example of self-absorbed heels!" But this also features Saraya-Jade "Paige" Bevis, one of my favorites. And she's the sinister rival. With hilariously bad elf ears. Okay, I'm back on board with owning this.

Fatman (2020)

My dear readers, when I heard that there was going to be a movie featuring Mr. Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson as Santa Claus, I got excited. And Walton Goggins (the other, other villain of The Ant-Man and the Wasp) was going to be an assassin hired to kill him? And the person who hired him was a child pissed off that he got coal? Holy shit, this sounds amazing! An action comedy about trying to murder Santa! What could go wrong? Well, for starters, calling this movie a "comedy" would suggest that there are any jokes in it, of which there are none. And no joy, either. Humbug.

Horns (2013)

I honestly don't know why I dragged my feet on this movie. Harry Potter grows horns and solves a murder, man! And it's based on a novel by Mr. Joe Hill, the pen name of Stephen King's son, whose last work I saw was In the Tall Grass (I'll get to you one day, Locke & Key). If I had taken the time to look at the cast I would've also been blown away by names I recognize: Joe Anderson (Across the Universe), James Remar (The Blackcoat's Daughter), Heather Graham (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me), and more! It's almost like this movie was made for me! Just a shame about the weak points, though.

Liza the Fox-Fairy (2015)

I’ve only ever seen one Wes Anderson movie (Rushmore, in case you were wondering). I’m not actively avoiding the filmmaker, but I just haven’t taken the time to watch a lot of his movies. But I do get the “Wes Anderson aesthetic” (or at least the version of it that has spawned a thousand memes)! So I will say that Liza, a rókatündér, AKA Liza the Fox-Fairy, is a Hungarian Wes Anderson movie. Just with a murderous lounge ghost.

Legends of the Hidden Temple (2016)

I remember watching the Legends of the Hidden Temple TV show when I was a kid. If you don’t know what that is, that just reminds me that I’m an old on the internet. Anyway, it was a adventure game show on Nickelodeon back in the 1990’s where teams of kids would attempt challenges, and if successful they would enter the Hidden Temple and try to get an artifact out before the hidden guards would pop out, scare the shit out of them (and probably a good number of kids watching), and end their run. And because nothing is sacred, in 2016 it was brought back as a made for TV movie. Apparently the first game show to be turned into a movie! That’s certainly… something.

The Mummy’s Kiss (2003)

Dear reader, I want you to know that I have standards for this blog. Somewhat high standards! The kind of standards where once I find out that a movie I’m watching on Amazon dot com has been severely edited, I go out and search for the intact version. And for this movie, that happened to be Pornhub, so I guess my standards aren’t all that high…

Were the World Mine (2008)

There’s a trend of gay movies being rather dark and ending with the queer protagonist (or someone they love) dying. Soldier’s Girl, Brokeback Mountain, the list goes on. And I just… can we not? Life as a queer person is already rough enough without having to sit through “tragedy porn” in order to see some representation. Give me more gay romantic comedies! Or gay love stories that DON’T involve someone dying in an attempt to tug at my heartstrings and/or win awards!