I will admit that I have trouble deciding what to review here. I want to find the right balance between the extremes of "no one has ever seen this movie" and "everyone has seen this movie." I don't always do that well, as is the case with today's film, Lost Lake, which has only one watch on Letterboxed: my own (this is also the case for A Windigo Tale, a story of the trauma residential schools do, which is... sadly always relevant). No one has heard of this movie! Why should I take the time to talk about it? Well, how else are people going to learn about the sheer madness that is the alternate--and true--ending of this film?
disaster
Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
I guess I'm a Godzilla fan? But what classifies someone as a "fan" of something, really? Sure, I've seen all the live action Godzilla movies, but I've seen all the Children of the Corn movies and I'm certainly not a fan of that franchise (no one is). The only Godzilla merch I own is a card game that has been collecting dust ever since I picked it up. I own a Gamera DVD collection with 9 or so movies, so am I a Gamera fan? No, but you get the idea. I guess for me, calling myself a fan means that when Godzilla starts glowing red in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, I cheered for the reappearance of Burning Godzilla. So I'm a fan in that I'm a huge fucking nerd.
Godzilla (2014)
I can't do anything easily, can I? I'm already a month late to reviewing Godzilla vs. Kong, and yet I feel the need to start at the beginning of the so-called MonsterVerse cinematic universe with 2014's Godzilla, AKA the one I think is the least good. I mean, it's not the worst Godzilla movie ever--I hate you so much, Gabara and will NEVER forgive you for existing--but of the four films in this new franchise, it's the weakest, in part because it shows as little of Godzilla as possible.
Left Behind (2014)
I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven't heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let's dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron! Wait... I'm not talking about 2000's Left Behind? Instead I'm talking about the 2014 one starring Nic Cage, where even Christian reviewers thought it was one of the worst movies ever made? I never thought I would ever say this, but I'd rather watch a Kirk Cameron movie. I don't know how to feel about that...
Christams Twister (2012)
I don't normally include screenshots with my reviews, but I needed you all to know that the typo in today's title isn't my mistake. This movie got its own title wrong in the opening credits! Are you fucking serious?! Don't believe me? It's currently on Tubi, so go see for yourselves! It's bad enough that Christmas Twister was renamed F6: Twister for the DVD release AND that it stars Mr. Casper Van Dien--a sure sign that it's bad--but they didn't even give the title a second look over? By writing up this post, I have put more effort into this movie than any of the creators. Fucking hell.
Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015)
Shark Week is wrapping up, and so are the Mega Shark movies. Well, until Mega Shark vs Moby Dick, which is supposed to come out in 2021 but that's Future Chwineka's problem. Until then we've reached the end of this franchise, and this last entry... didn't suck? It was bad, don't get me wrong, but bad in a lot of the the right ways.
Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014)
I really have to stop thinking, "This is the worst Mega Shark movie yet," when there are still more to go. This has been a rough Shark Week, but it's all self-inflicted so... sucks to be me! Anyway, I will start this by saying that in the years since Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, the special effects have improved! The mega shark actually sometimes looks good! But there's always a cost, and this time the cost is that everything else is very bad.
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010)
We’re back with another Mega Shark movie in honor of Shark Week! Our fearsome foe somehow survived his battle with the giant octopus and is back to eat crocodile eggs and kick ass, and he’s running out of croc eggs. There’s a lot wrong with this movie, so let’s jump right in.
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.
Melancholia (2011)
The week of “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching” continues, this time with Melancholia. See, once upon a time I rented this for Movie Night, and we skipped it. We tried to watch it! But the first 8 and a half minutes are just a slow motion recap (precap?) of the movie, and it was so insufferable that we gave up. It’s been at the bottom of my “to watch” list ever since, and now I’ve decided the time has come to see it. But was it any good? Enh… parts of it.
Chwineka Watches 