I watch a lot of bad movies, but it’s not often that I feel like something is actively trying to harm me with how bad it is. Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus may only be a 20 minute short on YouTube, but watching it was one of the most torturous things I have done in recent memory. I’m not even going to provide a link because I don’t want to subject anyone else to its awfulness. But talking about it? Sure, why not!
If you have never heard of Cool Cat, I wish I was you. Cool Cat is the creation of Mr. Derek Savage, a former Playgirl model who goes by “Daddy Derek” in his videos, which is… a decision. Cool Cat himself is an orange fur suit cat costume voiced by Daddy Derek and usually with him wearing the suit, too. Videos about Cool Cat range from Cool Cat Stops Bullying (featuring Vivica A Fox and Erik Estrada) to Cool Cat Finds a Gun (featuring Eric Roberts and Vivica A Fox again). They’re not good, but they’ve become sort of internet famous for how bad they are. Also because Cool Cat cyberbullies people on Twitter who talk bad about the series, so I’ll be sure to tack on a postscript should I get some of that action after this goes live.
Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus is the latest Cool Cat mini-film, released on May 12th of this year. It’s about a new fursuit character named Dirty Dog, a mean bully, who is trying to spread coronavirus while also claiming it’s a hoax. The title is literal, by the way, because at one point, Dirty Dog uses a magic elixir to create a softball sized coronavirus ball and throws it at Cool Cat, but Cool Cat punches and destroys it. But sadly there’s more to this, because Cool Cat raps. Calling what he did a “rap” is an insult to all music everywhere, but that’s the word he used. Despite Cool Cat’s audio clearly being added in post, the lyrics don’t sync up with the music half the time. And Cool Cat seems to go out of his way to avoid rhymes! This is an actual line from his “song”:
♫ All cool kids really love me / I keep them safe from the bullies out there ♫
-Cool Cat and/or Shakespeare
It’d be so easy to cut off the “out there” and make it a slant rhyme, but nooo! That would actually make sense! And then Dirty Dog has a rap! And on top of that, there’s another rap during the end credits! They’re all awful and I hate myself for listening to them.
So the message is wash your hands for 20 seconds, wear a mask, and don’t spread coronavirus. Okay, sure, good advice for kids. But then Cool Cat kneecaps his own arguments right at the end by saying, “And remember that people have different opinions on this coronavirus, so always respect them.” No, Cool Cat, I don’t have to respect opinions that are actively dangerous. We don’t need to respect or even humor the people who think this never-ending pandemic is a hoax, or overblown, or whatever. Are we supposed to respect Dirty Dog’s toxic beliefs? No? Then why toss in this garbage right before your video is over?!
But this isn’t the end of Cool Cat. Oh no, Dirty Dog has a new plan to get that cat and the kids. Are you ready for this? There’s no way you are, but the next Cool Cat video is supposed to be Cool Cat Stops a School Shooting. That’s not a joke. That isn’t some sort of parody. Daddy Derek wants to film Dirty Dog brining a gun to a public school that he would most likely have to ask permission to film in and have Cool Cat… I guess disarm him? Call the cops? This is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard of, which is pretty impressive considering how bad Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus is.
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