There are two types of bad movies–okay, there are way more than that, but just go with me on this. The two types are movies made sincerely, and those that are not. The Room is a masterpiece of bad cinema because Mr. Tommy Wiseau really, truly thought he was making art. But all the Scary Movie films and their spin-offs were made to be intentionally bad, and they end up being bad in a different, less enjoyable way. So which is Under ConTroll, the German sequel to Troll 2? Well there’s nothing sincere about this movie, so that’s telling.

The movie, originally called Goblin – Das ist echt Troll, is bad. Somehow worse than Troll 2, which it’s supposed to be a sequel/spin-off of. How do I know that? Well, besides its title, it features the return of actor George Hardy, who was the dad in Troll 2, playing the same character (although he does break the fourth wall and admit Troll 2 was a movie, but whatever). The story is about a goblin who was trapped in stone for centuries, only to be freed with a desire to release his brothers from… some dimensional portal, or something. To draw less attention, he possesses a local MILF played by Eva Habermann, who was the original Zev Bellringer in Lexx. A lot of sex jokes happen, the goblin is stopped, but the MILF and a professor-like guy get sent back in time. No, you are not getting a sequel, no matter how hard you sequel-bait.

It takes a really, really bad movie for my friends to look at me with shame and disappointment in their eyes. Our lives were better before we knew of this movie, and that’s a stain I’ll carry with me until the day I die. Granted, it’s not as bad as something like Me You Madness which nearly ruined 80’s hits for all of us, but there was nothing funny in his horror comedy. The only thing worth noting is that the boyfriend/virgin sacrifice looked like a combination of Billy Zane and Christopher Mintz-Plasse, but that could be just the brainrot this movie gave me.

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