Twisted Pair (2018)

I honestly don’t know what to say about this movie. Neil Breen is an auteur with a specific vision on the merging of humanity and advanced technology, and he wants to share that vision with us. Doesn’t matter that he’s an awful filmmaker and his movies are utterly incomprehensible, I guess.

The plot is… something? Look, I admit when I’m not paying attention, but I actually tried with this movie. I tuned in for the majority of it and I still have barely any idea what was happening. And reading the Wikipedia summary doesn’t help much! So Neil Breen–he has to star in all his movies–is playing twins, Cade and Cale, who get abducted by… something and have… some kind of experiments performed on them so that they’re… somehow special. Virtual reality, but in real reality? Cale is some kind of secret agent while Cade washed out, hooked up with an abusive druggie, and then kills the same three men in suits. I think we’re supposed to believe they’re different people each time, but whatever. Cale is sent to stop some guy who also can manipulate reality. He plays with diamonds and has a weird reverb on his voice. Cale blows up his factories, which may or may not kill the guy. Also there’s also some mysterious man in black who is never explained. Like they didn’t even try to tell us who or what he was.

So… early on Cale literally bumps into a woman and knocks her stuff out of her hands. He apologizes and asks her to meet him at their location at 8, but she’s annoyed and tells him she has a boyfriend. When she doesn’t show up, Cale BREAKS INTO HER HOUSE AND ASSAULTS HER, PINNING HER DOWN TO THE COUCH!! But before you can say “sexual assault,” they laugh and kiss because they’re actually a couple and I guess get off on rape roleplay. The homeless guy who watched them bump into each other must be confused as shit (or at least he might’ve been before the man in black stabbed him). Fucking. Yikes. Anyway she’s actually evil and working for the bad guy so Cale kills her. They share one last moment in a purple CG forest, and then the movie ends, threatening us with the promise of Cale’s return.

Tommy Wiseau is a bad filmmaker, but after the world laughed at The Room he leaned into it and started making joke content. None of it was good, in part because I don’t think he understands Earthling emotions, but that’s the route he went. I don’t know if Neil Breen knows that the internet is laughing at his movies, because they have all been consistent in how weird and obtuse they are. I’m actually a little impressed? But mostly I want to lock Wiseau and Breen in a room with a notepad and crayon–I wouldn’t trust either with sharp objects–and tell them they can leave only after they create a script together. I imagine after reading it my face would melt off, but it’d be worth it.

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