Category: 2002
The year Switzerland and East Timor joined the United Nations.
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Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)
So we’ve got this Palpatine guy, right? Upstanding Senator and now Chancellor of the Galactic Republic, but you and I both know he’s also secretly Darth Sidious, dark lord of the Sith and the true enemy of the prequel Star Wars movies. And the original trilogy. And apparently the sequel trilogy, too. But like… what is his plan? I get that he’s consolidating political power and will soon take over the galaxy, but all his Sith shenanigans have me scratching my head. Let’s examine that after I summarize Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones.
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Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
I don’t want to come off as some sort of movie snob or purist. There are many different ways to tell a story, and sticking to a rigid structure is not always the best course of action. Case in point, Hellraiser: Inferno was a detective mystery that had some Hellish aspects, and I think it worked. But I guess Miramax thought they could try the same formula and create another interesting movie out of a script previously unrelated to the franchise. But no. Hellraiser: Hellseeker sucks and I hate it. Welcome back to the Hellbound Halloween. We’re officially in the…
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Ben & Arthur (2002)
Is there a recognized subgenre of movies called something like “The Room, but X” or am I breaking new ground? Either way, it’s been too hetero during this month of some of the worst movies ever made, so let’s watch The Room, but gay! Yes, even gay directors can make movies that are so bad and boring that I long for the sweet release of death while suffering through them. Equality!
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The Scorpion King (2002)
The Brendan Fraser Mummy franchise is dead, but it’s legacy lives on in the spinoff, The Scorpion King, and it’s 4 direct-to-DVD sequels. Seriously, the fifth one came out two years ago. Having a spinoff of The Mummy Returns does make some sense as Mr. The Rock was only in that movie for about 4 minutes, and then sort of again at the end when his poorly rendered face is on the big scorpion monster. I mean, you got a popular wrestler before he became a big time movie star, and you barely feature him? No no no, he’s got…
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Cube²: Hypercube (2002)
Don’t you love it when a sequel comes out and has practically no cast or crew in common with the original? I don’t! That’s how we get shit like American Psycho II: All American Girl, where a small child kills Patrick Bateman at the very beginning and the rest of the movie is Ms. Mila Kunis killing anyone in the way of her becoming Mr. William Shatner’s teaching assistant! Weird non-sequitur, right? We’ll come back to that…
