I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven’t heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let’s dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron! Wait… I’m not talking about 2000’s Left Behind? Instead I’m talking about the 2014 one starring Nic Cage, where even Christian reviewers thought it was one of the worst movies ever made? I never thought I would ever say this, but I’d rather watch a Kirk Cameron movie. I don’t know how to feel about that…

Rayford Steele (Nic Cage) is a pilot who is unfaithful to his religious wife (Lea Thompson). Cameron “Buck” Williams (Chad Michael Murray, who is a BIG upgrade from Kirk Cameron) is a reporter on Ray’s flight across the Atlantic. Everything was going normal until all children and a sizable number of adults all instantly disappear around the world, including Rayford’s wife and son. They eventually figures out this is the Rapture–a word that I’m pretty sure was never said out loud–where all good Christians are taken up to Heaven as part of the end of days. There’s some drama between passengers that I don’t care about and Rayford’s daughter running around looking for her little brother, but the main story is Rayford trying to land the damaged plane without fuel. It’s tense, but he just barely manages. Then…

Wait, that’s it? That… that’s the entire movie?! That’s barely the beginning of the first book! That’s the first issue in the 5 part Left Behind comic book adaptation! The Kirk Cameron film knocked that out in a half hour! We didn’t even meet Nicolae Carpathia, the Antichrist! How the fuck did you make an adaptation for a series with THE ACTUAL ANTICHRIST as the main antagonist, and you fuck around with nobodies on a plane for so long we didn’t even get to see him?! And no, I don’t give a shit about any of the extras on the plane so I’m not going to go into their personal dramas. This’ll just be a short post, I guess!

But the biggest sin this movie makes is that Nic Cage is the main character and at no point does he do his trademark Nic Cage freakout. He’s practically sleepwalking through the film, barely even trying to emote anything. So to make up for this fucking dud of a movie, I’m providing a link to a montage of Cage losing his god damned mind (not the best quality, but apparently the original was deleted). Enjoy.

NIC CAGE FREAKOUT METER:

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