If I say that this was a highly requested movie, would you believe me? It's an obvious lie, of course, but it sounds better than admitting I wanted to watch this. Long story short, back in April of 2020 when we didn't realize how long the quarantine was going to be, Mummy Mondays was put on indefinite hold along with my friends' Movie Night. I watched several movies with mummies in the Mondays that followed, and one of them was The Mummy's Kiss, a lesbian porn with mummies and a flimsy plot. Well, there was a sequel made, so that's where we are now. Yup, this is definitely something people wanted to see and not my grim curiosity in action!
I watch a lot of bad movies, but it's not often that I feel like something is actively trying to harm me with how bad it is. Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus may only be a 20 minute short on YouTube, but watching it was one of the most torturous things I have done in recent memory. I'm not even going to provide a link because I don't want to subject anyone else to its awfulness. But talking about it? Sure, why not!
Who doesn't love a good bad disaster movie? You don't go into Sharknado expecting fine cinema, you go in hoping that a guy cuts a shark in half with a chainsaw, and that said shark was delivered to him via tornado. So imagine how excited I was when I first saw a film called Tsunambee. The tagline on the poster is "This is gonna sting a little!" It's a goofy movie about a tsunami of bees, right? Right...?
The letter Q vexes me. Not only is it associated with one of the most batshit political conspiracies AND is a nightmare in Scrabble--seriously, how hard would it be replace the tile with "Qu" and save everyone the hassle--but in the entire first year of this blog I never got around to reviewing a movie that started with Q. But I'm here today to solve two of these problems! The first is that "QI" is a recognized word in the official Scrabble dictionary with the definition, "The vital force that in Chinese thought is inherent in all things," in case your relatives call bullshit. The second is Queen: The Awakening, an low budget vampire movie that IMDB doesn't recognize as existing. But it's on Tubi and Letterboxd, so it counts!
Let's finish off a month of the worst movies ever with a classic. I gotta say, after falling in love with B-movie parodies like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, I had to keep reminding myself that Plan 9 from Outer Space was absolutely sincere. I mean, assuming the film Ed Wood is to be believed, but that's a key ingredient in making a cult classic. Sincerity in ineptitude is what separates the men from the boys, and Birdemic: Shock and Terror from something like Taintlight.
I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they'd ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I'm now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well...
How can I devote a month to some of the worst movies ever and not talk about Birdemic: Shock and Terror? I actually own this film (but it's also available on Tubi because of course it is) and somehow managed to not get around to it during the first year of this blog. But that oversight has now been remedied! Birdemic is infamous for being up there with The Room in terms of completely inept filmmaking. It boldly asks the question, "What if The Birds was mixed with An Inconvenient Truth with the worst CG birds you've ever seen?" It is, for lack of a better word, art.
Is there a recognized subgenre of movies called something like "The Room, but X" or am I breaking new ground? Either way, it's been too hetero during this month of some of the worst movies ever made, so let's watch The Room, but gay! Yes, even gay directors can make movies that are so bad and boring that I long for the sweet release of death while suffering through them. Equality!
One of my problems with the IMDB Bottom 100 list is that you need to meet a minimum number of ratings in order to qualify. For example, Diary of a Cannibal (the worst movie I've ever seen) has an IMDB rating of 1.4, lower than Disaster Movie, the movie in the #1 spot on the list with a score of 2.0. But Disaster Movie has almost 87 thousand ratings, while Cannibal has (as of writing) 746. There are so many movies worse than Disaster Movie but they don't have enough views to show up on official "worst" lists. All this is leading to the fact that The Amazing Bulk is an amazingly bad movie that hasn't made enough of a splash to make it on many lists. But trust me, it's BAD.
Have you ever watched something so bad and/or dumb that you can actually feel your brain cells killing themselves so they don't have to retain anything from it? A movie so awful you walk away a dumber person? WELL ON THAT NOTE, let me try to talk about ThanksKilling 3 without screaming too much!