I will never not be amazed at how some movies just... sneak past me. Like sure, movies come out all the time and sometimes I'm just not paying attention, but how did a movie from 5 years ago starring Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal and Mr. Ryan Reynolds slip by? And it's a sci-fi horror? This feels like an intentional slight and I will not stand for it.
2017
The year the Nintendo Switch was released.
Mississippi River Sharks (2017)
You know what time it is? It's Shark Week, mothertruckers! Time to celebrate that specific brand of fish with TV programs all about them, and for me it means watching some absolutely terrible shark-themed movies. Last year I celebrated by watching the Mega Shark franchise (released so far): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and Mega Shark vs Kolossus. This year I'm covering most of the films on the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Film" DVD pack I picked up as an impulse buy ages ago. I've already covered Ghost Shark and am saving Santa Jaws for December, but that's still 5 movies on this pack to cover! I know the math doesn't add up, but trust me. Yup, Shark Week this year is going to be tight!
Zygote (2017)
Some days the best laid plans fall through, and for that I'm glad we have short films. I'm not saying that every time I review a film under an hour long it's because I'm scrambling at the last minute to find something to post the next day... but I'm also not not saying that will be the case. Anyway, I at least took the time to look up some horror short films, and Zygote came highly recommended. Was it worth 22 minutes of my time? Absolutely!
What Happened to Monday (2017)
Once upon a time, my husband's favorite movie was Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, a video game-themed comedy based on a comic (graphic novel, technically). That makes sense if you know him and I like that movie, too. Then he watched What Happened to Monday, and this dystopian sci-fi thriller became his new favorite. The only thing the two movies have in common is a focus on the number 7. After finally sitting down and watching it, did I also like this film? Well... not really. Sorry, babe.
Kong: Skull Island (2017)
Is anybody actually a fan of King Kong? They have to exist, otherwise why would there be... is that right? 10 King Kong movies before this one? I'll file that fact away for later. Anyway, when I first heard about this movie, I resigned myself to watching it, knowing it would have connections to future Godzilla movies and I'm a sucker for watching every movie in a franchise. So imagine my surprise when I actually enjoyed this!
Justice League (2017)
I did it! MCU March is officially over and I successfully talked about all 23 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies over the course of a month. I don't know about you guys, but I am superhero-ed out. Now it's time to sit back and watch a bunch of movies that I've been... Wait, what's that? Zack Snyder's Justice League came out last month? Zack Snyder's Justice League IS REAL?! For fuck's sake, this was just supposed to be a marketing stunt! It was never actually going to happen! Uuuuuuugh... Fine. FINE! In order to give the illusion of being topical, I'll review the four hour monstrosity. But because I'm me and my brain is horribly flawed, I've got to review the original Justice League movie first so I have something to compare to. But that's it, after this no more superhero movies for the rest of April!
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
One of the problems the Marvel Cinematic Universe has is the music. Like a lot of modern blockbusters, the soundtrack is samey and easily forgettable. Sure, you could probably identify the Avengers theme, but could you identify Doctor Strange's main theme? Did that movie actually have one? It did, and it sounds like a more action-orientated piece from a Harry Potter movie, but the point still stands. The exception to this are the Guardians of the Galaxy movies, full of recognizable songs to go with the standard background music. But I think Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 ups the soundtrack game compared to its predecessor. Welcome back to MCU March! Yeah, I'm going to talk about the music a lot today!
Christmas Wedding Planner (2017)
I am a glutton for bad movies, and for better or worse my friends are well aware of this. So much so, in fact, that a dear friend needed me to check out this movie. Yes, needed. It seemed like your typical "Christmas romantic TV movie," but then I looked at the ratings. Wow! This is apparently one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? I ask because that's a bold claim. But does it live up to that...? I mean, it's no Red Christmas--where an aborted fetus all grown up named Cletus tries to kill his family--but this is very bad in a different, less overt way.
The Covenant (2017)
CONTENT WARNING: INCESTSO THAT'S NOW A TAG ON THIS BLOG... So... um... As I mentioned yesterday, this was supposed to be a post talking about the newly released The Craft: Legacy. But despite Amazon saying it had a release date of October 27th, the movie did not manifest in time. I hope to have that … Continue reading The Covenant (2017)
The Monster Project (2017)
I want to give this movie some credit: while a lot of found footage movies are incredibly cheap, The Monster Project had a budget for its monsters. I've absolutely seen worse effects in other movies, and the creatures here didn't look like ass. The problem is that this movie is really, really proud of its monsters. It takes every opportunity--once things kick off at the halfway point--to show you them in action. But that becomes a problem, because the more you see clear shots of a creature, the less frightening it becomes. We become inured to it and can grow bored with it. And I know this feels more like a third paragraph thing rather than an intro, but I wanted to get that out of the way first.
Chwineka Watches 