As I threatened on Friday while talking about Darkness Falls, there is more than one horror movie where the villain is a witch called the Tooth Fairy. But where Darkness Falls had some effort put into it, 2006’s The Tooth Fairy is bad on just about every level. The monster is disappointing, the characters are bland, and the whole thing is a waste of time.
Once again, we have a deformed woman who collects the last tooth from children for… reasons. We almost get some rationale when we learn that taking the tooth and killing the child traps their soul, but to what end? Somehing like eternal life? Probably not cause she’s dead. We don’t even know how she died, only that she didn’t stay dead, but that is more to do with people renovating her old home than the fact that she had teeth and/or souls. She’s just generically evil because of leprosy, or something.
But yeah, the work of turning her old house into a bed and breakfast revives the Tooth Fairy. A guy named Peter (Mr. Lochlyn Munro) bought the place so he could write, leaving behind his girlfriend Darcy (Chandra West) and her daughter, Pamela. Wait, weren’t Munro and West a couple in 2019’s Spiral, where they were part of a cult targeting gay couples? Huh. Anyway, the place gets a small cast of colorful characters, mostly so we have non-essential people for the Tooth Fairy to kill. There’s a himbo helping with yard work who gets fed into a woodchipper, then a hippie lady who gets nailed to a wall and has her limbs hacked off, then a skeezy rocker who gets his head chopped off. Peter, Darcy, and Pamela survive, along with an ex-stripper named Star who I’ll get to in a moment.
Now, did those deaths sound… a little lackluster for a supposed supernatural entity? The witch in general is really disappointing, doing next to no actions that could be called “witchy.” She runs around with a hatchet, and even awkwardly climbs out a window at one point to escape capture. I honestly believed for a period of time that this was a normal person pretending to be the witch–there are some hillbillies who are mad at Peter to the point where they try to sexually assault Darcy–but then there are actual ghost children asking Pamela to help them defeat the witch, so the Tooth Fairy is just lame. The awful mask the actor was wearing didn’t help things, making me think of a Scooby-Doo episode. Anyway, she gets defeated and the ghost kids are freed, but this is a bad horror movie so it ends with a tease that she’s not really defeated. Yawn.
Then there’s Star. Horror movies have a troubled relationship with overtly sexual characters, but an attempt was made to humanize her. She’s an ex-stripper who wasn’t a fan of being treated like a sex object, so now she’s training to be a veterinarian. On paper that’s good, but the execution is awful. Sure, she likes the himbo and is sad when he dies, but the next day she hooks up with the rocker mere hours after meeting him. It’s even worse because not only does he die while she’s prepping for sex, but remember the woman nailed to the wall I mentioned earlier? The attempted sex comes less than an hour after her death! There’s even the corpse of an inconsequential character on the front steps at that very moment! One of Star’s last lines is appreciating Peter for treating her “like a person, not a thing,” but the script sure doesn’t think of her like that. This is the weird hill I’m going to die on: Star deserved better, as did Tiffany from Children of the Corn: Revelation! Stop treating sex workers like garbage!
And with that I’ve reviewed the two horror movies about the Tooth Fairy. Or so I thought until I looked on Tubi and saw two more. But as tempting as those would be right now, I have a different theme in mind for June.
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