Ho ho ho! Merry December! That's right, the guy who hisses like a frightened possum when he hears Christmas music before Thanksgiving is setting up another month dedicated to winter-themed holiday movies. But I'm not dedicating the entire month to it, as The Cabinet of Caligari and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari remake indicate. Anyway, remember that poorly planned Shark Week I did back in August? It was an excuse to cover most of the films on the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Films" DVD pack I picked up during quarantine. I had previously covered Ghost Shark, but that week checked off Mississippi River Sharks, Ozark Sharks, Swamp Shark, Shark Island, and also Alligator Alley because this is a weird collection. All that was left was Santa Jaws, which I was saving for December. Well, the time is now. Let's finish this!
So my plan was to see The Suicide Squad in theaters. I had some friends lined up, we had the date all planned out, then a COVID scare dashed all our plans. This is the unfortunate world we live in, highlighted also in the fact that this fun movie is considered a box office bomb during its second week because a majority of people don't feel safe in a theater yet. I'm not sure what movies are actually thriving right now, but maybe new metrics will be needed to judge movies during this post-pandemic pandemic. Where was I? Right, The Suicide Squad, emphasis on "The!"
My very own Shark Week continues! Sure, it's a month after the actual Shark Week, but the best laid plans of sharks and men, or something like that. I'm burning through the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Films" DVD collection and we're at the sixth film: Zombie Shark. Sorry, I mean Shark Island, even though everything on the DVD says that this movie should be called Zombie Shark. I guess they decided to go with the less provocative title since there's actually more than one undead shark in this film, but whatever.
My celebration of Shark Week continues, now officially one month late as of today! I'm continuing on partly because this was all planned ahead of time and partially out of spite. Going by the listing on the back of the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer shark Films" DVD case I've been pulling movies from, today would be Santa Jaws, but I'm saving that one for Christmas. The gay kid from Joe Bell manifesting a Santa hat wearing nightmare shark? Sounds hilarious! But that means today I'm stuck watching Swamp Shark. It's not the worst shark movie I've seen, but it's far from the best. It's the only film in this pack that's available on Tubi, so that says something.
So I obviously missed Shark Week this year. It was supposed to happen in August during this week, but sometime around the end of June or beginning of July, it got rescheduled to July 11th. The problem was that well before that time I had already planned on what to review this week, so why would I think to double check when Shark Week was happening? So here were are, a month after the actual event, watching some absolutely awful SyFy Channel original shark movies. Well, at least Ozark Sharks wasn't as bad as Mississippi River Sharks.
You know what time it is? It's Shark Week, mothertruckers! Time to celebrate that specific brand of fish with TV programs all about them, and for me it means watching some absolutely terrible shark-themed movies. Last year I celebrated by watching the Mega Shark franchise (released so far): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and Mega Shark vs Kolossus. This year I'm covering most of the films on the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Film" DVD pack I picked up as an impulse buy ages ago. I've already covered Ghost Shark and am saving Santa Jaws for December, but that's still 5 movies on this pack to cover! I know the math doesn't add up, but trust me. Yup, Shark Week this year is going to be tight!
Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I was kidding at the end of the Tsunambee post when I said I was going to watch Ghost Shark next? I own a physical copy of the damn thing! Sometime in the middle of quarantine (time has been rendered meaningless) I picked up a DVD multipack of shark movies that also included one alligator film because...? Anyway, when's Shark Week? Sometime in July or August? Well don't be surprised if I celebrate by watching Mississippi River Sharks, Ozark Sharks, Santa Jaws, Radioactive Sewer Sharks, Swamp Shark, and/or Zombie Shark. I also made up one of those, have fun guessing.
Shark Week is wrapping up, and so are the Mega Shark movies. Well, until Mega Shark vs Moby Dick, which is supposed to come out in 2021 but that's Future Chwineka's problem. Until then we've reached the end of this franchise, and this last entry... didn't suck? It was bad, don't get me wrong, but bad in a lot of the the right ways.
I really have to stop thinking, "This is the worst Mega Shark movie yet," when there are still more to go. This has been a rough Shark Week, but it's all self-inflicted so... sucks to be me! Anyway, I will start this by saying that in the years since Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, the special effects have improved! The mega shark actually sometimes looks good! But there's always a cost, and this time the cost is that everything else is very bad.
We’re back with another Mega Shark movie in honor of Shark Week! Our fearsome foe somehow survived his battle with the giant octopus and is back to eat crocodile eggs and kick ass, and he’s running out of croc eggs. There’s a lot wrong with this movie, so let’s jump right in.