I can't promise that there will always be extra posts on Saturdays this month, but holy shit did I need to rant about how bad The Munsters movie was. God awful trash.
vampires
“So, now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You’ll never grow old, Michael, and you’ll never die. But you must feed!”
-The Lost Boys (1987)
Morbius (2022)
I'd say it feels good to be back, but really it's just good to have an outlet for all the dumb shit I want to say. Morbius is a perfect target, because it's a buckwild film. I get what they were trying to do, but... the movie's a mess from top to bottom. For the last 20 years, there's apparently been some intern at Sony who really, really wants to make a Sinister Six movie and people keep letting him throw in story seeds, but apparently no one has the heart to tell him they all suck.
Interview with the Vampire (1994)
At the beginning of December, I was finishing up a week of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari movies so I said that December wouldn't be just Christmas/winter holiday movies. That was also said because I want to talk about Spider-Man: No Way Home when I see it as well, but then... death happened. Ms. Anne Rice, author of The Vampire Chronicles, died this past Saturday at the age of 80. Interview with the Vampire has always been on my list of films to talk about on the blog, so now seemed as good a time as any, as a sort of memorial.
Against the Dark (2009)
Have you ever read a movie's summary or watched a trailer and though, "Oh, this is going to be awful"? I get that feeling a lot--most recently I'm looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is... Against the Dark!
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
I feel like I don't review enough older movies on this here blog. So far this year, I've reviewed 6 movies that came out before the year 2000, and four of those were from the 1990's. Sure, these more recent movies are of a different quality compared to that of older films--both in production value and content--but that doesn't mean that there aren't some amazing old movies! And Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter is... okay, maybe not one of the greats, but it was a perfectly passable film!
Bit (2019)
How do you define an "X movie" where X is whatever trait you're talking about? Is something a gay movie only because it features at least one gay person? Is it still "gay" if they're not the main characters? And is it still "gay" if one of the main actors is gay, but it never comes up so we're not sure if their character also is? I know it sounds like I'm talking around the Beauty and the Beast live-action remake, but that's a chore for some other time. After all, it's still Pride Month, so we're talking about overtly queer movies! Bit is queer, to be sure, largely because the main cast are lady vampires who are into other ladies, but that's not the only reason...
Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood (2013)
By sheer coincidence, it's been about a year since I reviewed Vampire Boys, a gay queer vampire flick that is... not very good. I didn't do a themed Pride Month last year, so watching it in June was just something that happened. But here we are, now talking about Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood. Just about every major cast member has been replaced, except for... wait, who was Tara again? Of course I actually remember--she's the girl that adds a smidge of bisexuality to what is otherwise an incredibly gay movie.
Queen: The Awakening (2020)
The letter Q vexes me. Not only is it associated with one of the most batshit political conspiracies AND is a nightmare in Scrabble--seriously, how hard would it be replace the tile with "Qu" and save everyone the hassle--but in the entire first year of this blog I never got around to reviewing a movie that started with Q. But I'm here today to solve two of these problems! The first is that "QI" is a recognized word in the official Scrabble dictionary with the definition, "The vital force that in Chinese thought is inherent in all things," in case your relatives call bullshit. The second is Queen: The Awakening, an low budget vampire movie that IMDB doesn't recognize as existing. But it's on Tubi and Letterboxd, so it counts!
Taintlight (2009)
I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they'd ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I'm now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well...
The Monster Project (2017)
I want to give this movie some credit: while a lot of found footage movies are incredibly cheap, The Monster Project had a budget for its monsters. I've absolutely seen worse effects in other movies, and the creatures here didn't look like ass. The problem is that this movie is really, really proud of its monsters. It takes every opportunity--once things kick off at the halfway point--to show you them in action. But that becomes a problem, because the more you see clear shots of a creature, the less frightening it becomes. We become inured to it and can grow bored with it. And I know this feels more like a third paragraph thing rather than an intro, but I wanted to get that out of the way first.
Chwineka Watches 