By sheer coincidence, it’s been about a year since I reviewed Vampire Boys, a gay queer vampire flick that is… not very good. I didn’t do a themed Pride Month last year, so watching it in June was just something that happened. But here we are, now talking about Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood. Just about every major cast member has been replaced, except for… wait, who was Tara again? Of course I actually remember–she’s the girl that adds a smidge of bisexuality to what is otherwise an incredibly gay movie.

One year after the events of the first movie, Jasin and Caleb–who look nothing like the original actors–are still happily together, to the chagrin of a slightly bitter Tara (Ms. Zasu). She’s in the vampire coven with everyone else, but she’s a little sore that she wasn’t Jasin’s chosen. Enter Demetrius, a vampire who went through a very similar situation. He charms Tara to get info on Jasin, but it’s all for his nefarious goals: he was the original chosen of Naran, the vampire that sired him and Jasin, but Naran abandoned Demetrius and chose Jasin (before abandoning him as well sometime later). So it’s revenge against a man who has no clue what this is all about! Demetrius has one of his minions–the one who looks like a gay(er) John Mulaney–mind control Tara, but the bad guys can’t stand up to the forces of good and true love, or whatever. The day is saved, and right before the end we see that Demetrius and Tara have hooked up.

I want to take a moment and state unequivocally that bisexuality and pansexuality are absolutely valid orientations. If you are, be loud and proud! So I mean absolutely no disrespect to either when I say that the inclusion of Tara in this otherwise extremely gay film just feels… off. I don’t buy that these actors are into women at all, and making a Tara love triangle a major element of the film kind of took me out of the experience. This is a gay film. There’s more dick than the last movie–I’ll get to that in a minute–with absolutely nothing even close to female nudity. There are a few girls that various male characters are into, but the first reads like a gay guy hooking up with his girl friend, and the other is Demetrius and Tara with Jasin giving a hollow speech that he still loves Tara, but you know, not in that way. Why promote her to such a central figure? Was it because she was the only actor from the first movie to return? You know what, that actually makes a lot of sense…

The first film’s nudity was painfully awkward: a girl, her boyfriend, and their male friend show up out of nowhere, and she convinces the two to get naked and kiss before Jasin and his coven swoop in and eat them. That’s it. That’s all the dick in Vampire Boys. Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood has more penis, by far. Sure, we get a rehash of that scene from the first movie but now in a bad aspect ratio that sets it apart from this film, but most of the dick this time is from plot relevant characters! Demetrius gets naked for a flashback where he almost commits suicide after Naran leaves him, but a sizable portion of the nudity is from Kevin. Kevin is a guy learning how to box. Kevin gets turned into a vampire by Demetrius and pretty quickly gets naked for… reasons, I guess. Kevin is always going to be funny to me, because the movie opens with his boxing trainer saying his name something like a dozen times. Outside of narration from Demetrius and Jasin, this is the dialogue the film opens with:

“Come on, Kevin! Come on, Kevin! Stick him, Kevin! Move your feet! Jab him often! Jab, Kevin, Jab! Come on, Kevin, move your butt! Get out of there, Kevin! Jab him back! Jab him back, Kevin! Jesus, come on, Kevin! Jab him, Kevin! That’s it, Kevin! Back him up, Kevin! Come on, stick him, Kevin!”

-Some guy named Vinny

The fight scenes are bad, the story is bad, the film looks incredibly cheap… This was not a fun movie to watch. However, this entry didn’t feature my nemesis Dylan Vox, whose character died in the previous movie, so that makes this the better of the two films by default.

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