Can you believe I’d never seen Troll 2 before? I know, it’s kind of shocking. I’m a connoisseur of crappy movies, so somehow avoiding one of the most infamous ones is a little impressive. But Tubi is there for me with just the best selection of awful movies, so I felt it was finally time to fix this cosmic mistake. And everyone was right! This is a really bad movie!

First of all, this movie has nothing to do with 1986’s Troll, which is about… hang on, is that right? Huh. Troll is about Harry Potter. I don’t know what to do with that information (other than spread it to you). Anyway, this movie is actually about goblins to the point that the main family moves to Nilbog. Nothing about that name stands out to anyone? It’s only when the main kid looks in a car’s side mirror that he realizes it’s “goblin” backwards? We’re dealing with some real geniuses here.

So whiny kid Joshua is terrified of goblins, in part because his grandfather keeps warning him about them. Sorry, his dead grandfather, who keeps showing up because… um… So anyway, against his wishes his family moves to Nilbog, where he has to try and keep them safe from the disguised goblins who want to turn people into a plant-based mush they can eat. Leading the goblins is Creedence Leonore Gielgud, a psycho goth lady who has gone to the top of my list of potential Halloween costumes. She seduces one teenager with… popcorn? The whole thing is super dumb. Anyway, dead grandpa (who I have been told is not actually the ghost of Mr. Orson Welles) is able to manifest enough to give Joshua a Molotov cocktail before disappearing forever, and the family together is able to stop the goblins by… touching a piece of Stonehenge. Wait a minute… evil magic powered by a stolen piece of Stonehenge? Is this Halloween III: Season of the Witch?!

…moving on, the goblins are defeated, except not because they eat Josh’s mom. The end.

The movie is an absolute mess, in part because everything that could go wrong behind the scenes did. The writer/director, Claudio Fragasso, is Italian and didn’t speak English. In fact, only the costume designer could translate the all Italian film crew’s instructions. A lot of clunky dialogue makes sense when you realize it’s a poor translation. As for the plot, it’s anti-vegetarian propaganda. Really! Claudio had a bunch of friends in his life turn to vegetarianism, and it pissed him off. Sure, dude, whatever.

But I can’t give this movie the lowest rating possible. Sure, it’s bad, but it’s not as bad as its sequel. Oh yes, dear reader! Someone decided Troll 2 needed a sequel! And it’s so, so bad. So tune in next time for me to rant about Under ConTroll and how awful it is.

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