Mississippi River Sharks (2017)

You know what time it is? It’s Shark Week, mothertruckers! Time to celebrate that specific brand of fish with TV programs all about them, and for me it means watching some absolutely terrible shark-themed movies. Last year I celebrated by watching the Mega Shark franchise (released so far): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark, and Mega Shark vs Kolossus. This year I’m covering most of the films on the “Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Film” DVD pack I picked up as an impulse buy ages ago. I’ve already covered Ghost Shark and am saving Santa Jaws for December, but that’s still 5 movies on this pack to cover! I know the math doesn’t add up, but trust me. Yup, Shark Week this year is going to be–

Wait, hold on, my imaginary assistant is frantically waving at me. Better go see what that’s about.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CHANGED THE DATE OF SHARK WEEK AT THE BEGINNING OF JULY? I ALREADY MISSED IT? I PLANNED THESE POSTS MONTHS AGO! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

Okay, okay. I’m fine. This is fine. I’m still going to do this–out of spite, if nothing else–but whatever; it’s not like Mississippi River Sharks even tried to be good.

You think you’re safe from sharks because you’re not near the ocean? Well too bad for you, bucko, because now bull sharks are in the Mississippi River. There’s a throwaway line as to why, but it doesn’t matter; it’s all an excuse to have sharks attack people. But wait, you might say, I am on land and therefore should be safe. WRONG! These sharks regularly leap out of the water and seem to have no real problem being on land. So where’s your God, now?!

The film follows a girl back home after deciding to change her major from blah blah to blah blah blah. She’s here and about to be terrorized by sharks, that’s all that matters. Added to our bloated cast is her father, a guy who had a crush on her in high school, that guy’s friend, a reporter, and a loser actor (Mr. Jason London playing a parody of himself). There’s a subplot about a guy cheating at a fishing contest, but he gets eaten. The reporter has a cameraman, but he gets eaten and no one seems to care. There’s also a–you know what? They don’t matter as only 5 people who have names made it out of this (RIP Jason London, at least we have Jeremy London). You don’t watch a SyFy shark movie for the plot.

No, you watch it for the sharks! And they were… really bad. There’s the usual overuse of stock footage, but the sharks themselves were very poorly rendered with computer graphics. At no point did it ever look like a shark was actually there, but who cares–one leaps at a guy and punches a hole through his chest. Another guy was staggering around up to his ankles in a shark, but the sheriff running the shark over exploded it while leaving the man unharmed. The sharks are defeated by a big net and some of the worst science jargon I’ve ever heard. No, that is not how a fulcrum works! Having the tow truck’s rope go over the bridge would actually make it more difficult to raise the net! But whatever. All the sharks are caught and killed. Yup, there were only those eight or so sharks and no more anywhere else on the river, despite the opening scene showing sharks in New Orleans.

The most interesting part of the film is when Jason London keeps talking about the franchise he’s known in universe for: Shark Bait and it’s 5 sequels. Clearly this is SyFy making fun of itself for making 6 Sharknado movies, but I think I’d rather have these fake movies than the ones we got. Shark Bite 5: Shark of the Covenant? That sounds stupid in a fun way! Shark Bite 2: Sharks in the Ozarks? That–wait, isn’t that what I’m reviewing tomorrow? And this also isn’t the last Jeremy London shark movie I’m covering this week? This DVD pack is the gift that keeps giving.


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4 thoughts on “Mississippi River Sharks (2017)

  1. Pingback: Ghost Shark (2013) | Chwineka Watches

  2. Pingback: Ozark Sharks (2016) | Chwineka Watches

  3. Pingback: Swamp Shark (2011) | Chwineka Watches

  4. Pingback: Shark Island (2015) | Chwineka Watches

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