Category: 2.0 stars
This could’ve been salvaged, maybe.
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The Gorilla (1939)
Back what seems like a thousand years ago, my first job had dirt cheap DVD packs that I absolutely needed to buy. Were they anything good? Typically no. These packs included things like the Prey of the Jaguar and The Conspiracy of Fear two-pack that I’ve already talked about here. One such pack was a “Horror Classic” pack of 5 movies featuring the legendary Mr. Bela Lugosi. So things like 1931’s Dracula or even Plan 9 from Outer Space? Uh… no. More like his utterly forgotten films that fell into the public domain like The Devil Bat and today’s film,…
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The Lodge (2019)
The Lodge was one of the movies that I was super excited to watch and it just… somehow passed me by. No local theaters were showing it back in early 2019 and by the time I got the motivation to travel to see it, it had disappeared from all theaters. So this one has been on my to-watch list for a while, and I figured a month dedicated to horror movies would be the perfect time! Which makes it such a shame that I really didn’t like it.
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Remember Me (2010)
Sometimes one particular moment stands out in a movie and that’s all you remember. When I think the movie Plankton, it takes me a moment to remember the “plot” as I’m immediately focusing on the scene where one girl has caviar oozing out of her vagina as she shouts to the eggs that Mommy loves them. This is also the case with Remember Me, a movie starring Mr. Robert Pattinson that came out in the middle of the Twilight franchise. Before I watched this movie for the third time for this post, I couldn’t remember any plot details other than…
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Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure (2011)
I think this little game has gone on long enough, don’t you? Since I started reviewing all the Beethoven movies, I’ve been playing coy with how many films are actually in the franchise. For those keeping track this is the 7th film so far, and I’m happy to announce that this is the penultimate one. Yup, Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is the 8th and final movie–as of time of writing–so we’re so close to being done! I’m almost free from this self-imposed prison of having to rewatch these films! We just have to get through the one that decided it was…
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Shark Island (2015)
My very own Shark Week continues! Sure, it’s a month after the actual Shark Week, but the best laid plans of sharks and men, or something like that. I’m burning through the “Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Films” DVD collection and we’re at the sixth film: Zombie Shark. Sorry, I mean Shark Island, even though everything on the DVD says that this movie should be called Zombie Shark. I guess they decided to go with the less provocative title since there’s actually more than one undead shark in this film, but whatever.
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Ozark Sharks (2016)
So I obviously missed Shark Week this year. It was supposed to happen in August during this week, but sometime around the end of June or beginning of July, it got rescheduled to July 11th. The problem was that well before that time I had already planned on what to review this week, so why would I think to double check when Shark Week was happening? So here were are, a month after the actual event, watching some absolutely awful SyFy Channel original shark movies. Well, at least Ozark Sharks wasn’t as bad as Mississippi River Sharks.
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Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
Previously, I watched Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure, a made-for-TV Star Wars spin off for kids that was… fine. It was fine. I’ve definitely seen worse kids movies and worse Star Wars films. But then there’s its sequel, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. While the first film is a story of togetherness–children teaming up with teddy bears to save their parents–the second film is darker, but also no longer fine. Kinda bad, in fact.
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Darkness Falls (2003)
Given enough time, horror movies will try to make everything creepy. I’ve seen a horror trailer where the “Happy Birthday” song is sung menacingly, and I gotta say, I was not impressed. But more relevant to today’s post, Darkness Falls is about the Tooth Fairy killing people. I just… really? You thought people would be afraid of the Tooth Fairy? At least they had the good decency to come up with a somewhat creepy title, instead of being lazy and just calling this film The Tooth Fairy.
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The Mummy’s Kiss: 2nd Dynasty (2006)
If I say that this was a highly requested movie, would you believe me? It’s an obvious lie, of course, but it sounds better than admitting I wanted to watch this. Long story short, back in April of 2020 when we didn’t realize how long the quarantine was going to be, Mummy Mondays was put on indefinite hold along with my friends’ Movie Night. I watched several movies with mummies in the Mondays that followed, and one of them was The Mummy’s Kiss, a lesbian porn with mummies and a flimsy plot. Well, there was a sequel made, so that’s…
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The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon (2016)
Lemme pull back the curtain a bit here at Chwineka Watches: I usually listen to music when writing up these posts. Revolutionary, I know. I have that “lofi hip hop radio” YouTube video bookmarked, but lately I’ve felt the urge to listen to music in my collection. Even more recently, I’ve taken all the songs I have from my new favorite band–the Anix–put them into one playlist, and just hit shuffle when it comes time to write. I really do like these guys, so imagine my surprise when I heard them while watching this utterly lackluster Serbian film! But, like,…
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