Oh, I'm sorry, did you think that just because Christmas was over I'd stop reviewing holiday movies? Well fuck that! There's still two updates left for December, and I'm queuing up things early! Today we take a detour from Christmas movies to "vaguely Christmas-related holidays," such as the very important Life Day! It's a day where you... dress in red robes and... grab your light up snow globe and... travel to some weird void... where you scream? Whatever, it's The Star Wars Holiday Special. It doesn't matter, not like it's canon or anything.
I am a glutton for bad movies, and for better or worse my friends are well aware of this. So much so, in fact, that a dear friend needed me to check out this movie. Yes, needed. It seemed like your typical "Christmas romantic TV movie," but then I looked at the ratings. Wow! This is apparently one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? I ask because that's a bold claim. But does it live up to that...? I mean, it's no Red Christmas--where an aborted fetus all grown up named Cletus tries to kill his family--but this is very bad in a different, less overt way.
I don't normally include screenshots with my reviews, but I needed you all to know that the typo in today's title isn't my mistake. This movie got its own title wrong in the opening credits! Are you fucking serious?! Don't believe me? It's currently on Tubi, so go see for yourselves! It's bad enough that Christmas Twister was renamed F6: Twister for the DVD release AND that it stars Mr. Casper Van Dien--a sure sign that it's bad--but they didn't even give the title a second look over? By writing up this post, I have put more effort into this movie than any of the creators. Fucking hell.
We're taking a short break from non-stop Christmas movies to review something special. This is a first on two fronts for this blog: the first review of a short film and the first review of a commercial. That's right, Lifetime and KFC partnered up to create A Recipe for Seduction, a living, breathing meme. And how could I not review it? It's just a few steps away from a televised Chuck Tingle adaptation, or a Super Bowl commercial actually making use of its budget. And it stars Mr. Mario Lopez as Harland Sanders? I'm delighted and intrigued!
Ah, Christmas... It's a magical time of year overflowing with romantic opportunities. Or at least that's how it is in Lifetime original movies where the only gift the female lead needs to buy is for her love interest, friends and family be damned. These movies generally follow a plot of "woman sad, woman meet man, woman kiss man in snow," but when a film breaks with that pattern, sometimes true magic happens. So let's talk about a Lifetime movie where a lady wants to fuck a Christmas ghost!
Last time I talked about Reefer Madness, AKA Tell Your Children, so me talking about the parody right after shouldn't be a surprise. I mean, I flat out said it at the end, but anyway. Based on the 1998 stage musical, Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical was a Showtime original movie with a truly ridiculous cast. Mr. Alan Cumming (Nightcrawler in X2) as the narrator! And he was also FDR! Kristen Bell as Mary! Steven Weber as Jack, Anna Gasteyer as Mae, and John Kassir (AKA the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt, including Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight)! And... uh, Neve Campbell's older brother as Jimmy. Wait, he's a year older than her, but here plays a much younger character? Well that's news to me...
We are so close to finishing October of the Corn... And October too, but this spooky month doesn't exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984's Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it's an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado...
So what do we know about Mothman? Seen around Point Pleasant, West Virginia from 1966-67, it would swoop down and stare at people with its glowing red eyes. Generally described as a tall gray shape with no discernible head and giant wings, its sightings seemingly stopped after the December 15, 1967 Silver Bridge disaster that killed 46 people. And depending on where you go on the internet, it's the loving monster boyfriend to many. Mothman is an iconic cryptid, so it's such a shame that so many movies about it fucking suck.
Okay, so why I picked this particular movie might need a bit of explaining… First off, as I mentioned in Dead & Breakfast review, I love Mr. Jeremy Sisto. A while ago I was browsing through his IMDB page and saw that he played Jesus–as in the son of God–in a TV miniseries. I had to see it! That was a few years ago, and I finally managed to stumble upon it recently. And I knew I’d have to review it.
I remember watching the Legends of the Hidden Temple TV show when I was a kid. If you don’t know what that is, that just reminds me that I’m an old on the internet. Anyway, it was a adventure game show on Nickelodeon back in the 1990’s where teams of kids would attempt challenges, and if successful they would enter the Hidden Temple and try to get an artifact out before the hidden guards would pop out, scare the shit out of them (and probably a good number of kids watching), and end their run. And because nothing is sacred, in 2016 it was brought back as a made for TV movie. Apparently the first game show to be turned into a movie! That’s certainly… something.