Given enough time, horror movies will try to make everything creepy. I’ve seen a horror trailer where the “Happy Birthday” song is sung menacingly, and I gotta say, I was not impressed. But more relevant to today’s post, Darkness Falls is about the Tooth Fairy killing people. I just… really? You thought people would be afraid of the Tooth Fairy? At least they had the good decency to come up with a somewhat creepy title, instead of being lazy and just calling this film The Tooth Fairy.

So the monster/ghost in Darkness Falls isn’t a mythical Tooth Fairy, but the spectre of an old woman who, 150 years ago, would give children gold coins in exchange for their teeth. Why would she do this? For what purpose did she need to collect children’s teeth? Unclear, but that feels scarier than the rest of the movie. Anyway, a fire mutilates her and when two kids go missing, the town of Darkness Falls blames and kills her, but not before she curses them. Turns out the kids were fine, so the whole thing is buried up. Except, you know, that every person in the town knows the legend and shares the story, saying that she comes into your house when you lose your last baby tooth, and that she’ll kill you if you look at her. So remember, little Billy, don’t peek or you may end up yet another unsolved murder!

This is almost what happens to Kyle (Mr. Chaney Kley, RIP) when he loses his last baby tooth, but his mom gets killed instead and he spends the next 12 years pumped full of antipsychotics. When the brother of his childhood crush, Caitlin (Emma Caulfield, AKA Anya the vengeance demon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), is saying that a scary woman in the dark is trying to kill him, Caitlin and Kyle reconnect. But this is a horror movie so a bunch of people die, dampening the mood. First it’s a local bully who picks a fight with Kyle thinking that Kyle murdered his own mother, then it’s Caitlin’s dickish boyfriend, a bunch of cops, some doctors, and finally the Tooth Fairy herself. Probably. The day is saved, and now Kyle, Caitlin, and Caitlin’s brother can live happily ever after.

…except not? Every inconsequential character who actually saw the Tooth Fairy was killed by her, leaving no one to back up Kyle’s story. The facts are that Kyle–a suspected murderer–came back into town, was involved in a murder on his first night back, got bailed out by his lawyer–who immediately died after that–was arrested on suspicion of more murder, and escaped his holding cell during a blackout that left numerous cops dead (Kyle makes a passing comment saying most of the police force is gone). He then rushed to the hospital where Caitlin and her brother were, resulting in the deaths of several doctors and nurses. Then Kyle, Caitlin, Caitlin’s brother, and one of the only remaining police officers traveled to the local lighthouse, where the officer was killed and the lighthouse itself suffered thousands of dollars worth of damage. Sorry, Kyle, but you’re getting the electric chair, or whatever execution method your state had in 2003.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m not a fan of this movie. The premise is lackluster, the plot is contrived as all hell–seriously, they went through so many flashlights during only one night–Kyle’s actor gives a wooden performance, and Emma Caulfield was… fine. She was fine. The biggest highlight in this movie for me was at one point, Caitlin’s brother calls out to her, but his fake American accent slips and you can instantly tell that he was born in Australia. And looking him up, he was! What a fun fact for me! The rest of the movie… meh. Like I said, at least it wasn’t called something lame like The Tooth Fairy.

So tune in this Monday when I review The Tooth Fairy, the 2006 horror film with an incredibly similar premise! It’s not very good, either, and doesn’t have a Buffy star to fall back on!

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