Sometimes you watch a movie because an actor you like is in it. I don't remember Hellraiser: Hellworld for it's groundbreaking script, but because the prolific Mr. Lance Henriksen was in the Hellraiser sequel that took place in an video game. And... Henry Cavill was in it? I'll file that away for later, but the point still stands. So while looking for my next movie to review I saw the trailer for Wildling, recognized an actor in this, and instantly knew I had to watch it. And as a bonus, Brad Dourif--Wormtongue in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chucky in Child's Play, and a dozen more recognizable roles--is also in this!
sexual assault
BIG FUCKING CONTENT WARNING!!!
Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)
All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think "happy ending," but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it's a handjob thing, so I'm going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let's finish this.
Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
A good sequel ups the stakes of the original. If it has the same threat and energy level, then it's more of the same and begs the question, what's the point? Feast II: Sloppy Seconds takes the chaotic energy of Feast and absolutely raises it through more monsters, more bloodshed, and more dark comedy of questionable taste. This one has a bit more of a focus on story and characters than the previous one--although just barely--so a kill count would miss some... subtlety. Back to the regular review format, I guess!
Promising Young Woman (2020)
One of the downsides of doing an event or theme month is that anything that doesn't fit in gets pushed back. I saw Promising Young Woman near the middle of January but it absolutely didn't match that month's "worst ever" theme. Plus, I had already cheesed it by finding a negative review for the good movie Possessor, so doing that twice felt too much like cheating. So here we are in February, talking about a movie that came out in December. Ever so topical.
ThanksKilling (2008)
It took me nearly a year, but I actually looked at the calendar before deciding what movie to watch! In honor of [American] Thanksgiving happening tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy a lovely time with all of my family members. Just kidding! I haven't seen my grandma since February! Instead we're going to talk about ThanksKilling, a low budget film about a group of young adults who get killed off by a turkey. Named Turkie. It's exactly the kind of movie you think it is.
A Windigo Tale (2010)
I like movie monsters. Give me some nasty motherfucker with too many teeth and eyes that pierce into your soul and I'm a happy individual. One of my favorite monsters is the wendigo, an Ojibway evil spirit that pop culture has taken and claimed as it's own (seriously, they even show up in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic). But none of that really matters, because there is no wendigo in A Windigo Tale. There is a horrible monster that devoured the young members of their tribe, but it's more... metaphorical.
The New Mutants (2020)
Full disclosure, I was one of those people who believed that this movie was never going to be released. Originally slated to be released in April 2018, it was delayed four or five times because of things like the Fox/Disney merger and reshoots to change the entire tone. Like you do. In the end it released to an extremely limited theater run in August 2020, and was made widely available for [legal] streaming yesterday. As the last 20th Century Studios X-Men adjacent film--ending a 20 year franchise--was it worth the wait? Well...
Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical (2005)
Last time I talked about Reefer Madness, AKA Tell Your Children, so me talking about the parody right after shouldn't be a surprise. I mean, I flat out said it at the end, but anyway. Based on the 1998 stage musical, Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical was a Showtime original movie with a truly ridiculous cast. Mr. Alan Cumming (Nightcrawler in X2) as the narrator! And he was also FDR! Kristen Bell as Mary! Steven Weber as Jack, Anna Gasteyer as Mae, and John Kassir (AKA the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt, including Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight)! And... uh, Neve Campbell's older brother as Jimmy. Wait, he's a year older than her, but here plays a much younger character? Well that's news to me...
Reefer Madness (1938)
Do you know someone held captive in the seductive grip of marijuana? Sorry, I mean, "marihuana?" If so, you must do everything in your power to help your friend see the light before they're driven to mindless violence! And if that person happens to be you, then God have mercy on your soul... Or so Reefer Madness, AKA Tell Your Children would have you believe. Man, the makers of this film sound really uptight; if only there were a recreational substance that could help them relax...
The Craft (1996)
For a lot of people my age--Millennials that are very close to the Generation X divide--the 90's are a nostalgic time. Things were better back then, right? Or at least we didn't have the maturity and capacity to understand how things were not good, haven't been good for a long time, and that a lot of our current problems have roots back then. But, uh... at least the movies back then were good? Some of the movies. Okay, so this and a couple other movies that nostalgia goggles convince us were good. This intro is getting away from me... SO YEAH ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT THE CRAFT?
Chwineka Watches 