Category: 2.0 stars
This could’ve been salvaged, maybe.
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Return of the Living Dead III (1993)
There was a part of me dreading watching the rest of The Return of the Living Dead movies after the second one, Return of the Living Dead: Part II. I mean, Part II was absolutely atrocious and you can fairly safely assume any following sequels are going to be worse. But Return of the Living Dead III was definitely better! It’s not all that good, but it’s still better than the second one!
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Diary of the Dead (2007)
This movie is a bit nostalgic to me. Back near the beginning of Movie Night, we had a friend who supplied us with a plethora of cheap horror DVDs. Shout out to Tim, who I’m not even sure knows this blog exists… Anyway, Diary of the Dead was one of those movies we watched something like over a decade ago, so I only remembered a few details. Forgotten was that this was directly created by Mr. George A Romero, which makes the fact that it’s bad found footage all the more sad. Welcome back to October of the Living Dead.
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Morbius (2022)
I’d say it feels good to be back, but really it’s just good to have an outlet for all the dumb shit I want to say. Morbius is a perfect target, because it’s a buckwild film. I get what they were trying to do, but… the movie’s a mess from top to bottom. For the last 20 years, there’s apparently been some intern at Sony who really, really wants to make a Sinister Six movie and people keep letting him throw in story seeds, but apparently no one has the heart to tell him they all suck.
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Red Christmas (2016)
I had the option to watch something good for today’s post. Friends have recommended Make the Yuletide Gay to me for a while now, but for whatever reason I just wasn’t feeling it at the moment. No, I was in the mood for something absolutely awful. Just some utter dogshit. But because it’s December–Christmas Eve today, in fact–it has to be festive. Well good thing there’s Red Christmas, a movie about an aborted fetus that survived and seeks revenge on his mother (Mrs. Dee Wallace). No, this isn’t the only “survived being aborted” movie, and yes, I’ll get to Hanger…
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A Christmas Carol (1997)
Holy shit, there are like a thousand adaptations of Mr. Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Who knows, maybe next year for December I’ll spend the entire month only covering different versions of the classic tale… But until that possible future, I feel like I should touch upon at least one adaptation each December. Last year was the beloved The Muppet Christmas Carol, but this year I somehow found myself watching the 1997 A Christmas Carol direct-to-VHS, Saturday morning cartoon-esque, animated version that was… not good. I’d say an attempt was made, but I’m not convinced of that.
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Elf-Man (2012)
I think I’ve made it fairly clear by now that I watch some absolute garbage. I see a premise that sounds stupid as shit and think to myself, “Oh, I can’t not watch that.” Most of the time such trash is amusing in some way. Maybe it’s actually sometimes funny like House Shark. Maybe it’s so awful in every way that you can’t help but laugh like A Talking Cat!?!. But sometimes, when fate is feeling spiteful, I watch something that’s just so aggressively bland, it hurts my soul. Welcome to me talking about Elf-Man, a movie where Hornswoggle from…
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The Cabinet of Caligari (1962)
It’s December, which on this blog means… more Caligari movies? Hm. Last year, December was nothing but Christmas and/or winter holiday movies, but this year I’m breaking that pattern up a bit. See, I’ve been meaning to do these three Caligari movies for months now, so I’m forcing myself to do them now. Santa and all that will be coming eventually, but so will at least two breaks from the format since Spider-Man: No Way Home is coming out this month and there’s another, non-winter movie I watched that I want to talk about. With that out of the way,…
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The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror (2007)
During October, I came across a list of queer horror movies recommended by writers for NBC News. I’d already reviewed four films on it–Fear Street: 1994, Bit, The Perfection, and Stranger by the Lake*–and the rest are saved to my to-do list. One movie not mentioned was The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror, probably because while this is an undoubtedly gay film, it’s fucking terrible. I honestly don’t know how else to describe it beyond it being an incredibly homophobic gay film.
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Banshee Chapter (2013)
You know that scene in Doctor Strange that the MCU has used a couple more times where the Ancient One punches Steven Strange’s soul out of his body? Every so often I come across a movie that does something incredibly similar to me. I don’t know how else to describe it beyond that; it’s not necessarily bad, but it certainly kicks the metaphorical wind out of me and raises questions about what the hell is going on. Banshee Chapter has one of those moments when veteran actor Mr. Ted Levine playing a parody of Hunter S Thompson asks the lead…
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Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
There’s something about franchises–particularly big horror franchises–where it sure seems like each one has a film that just refuses to stick in my head. I wrote about Children of the Corn: The Gathering just last year, but even then I still only remember the barest of details without looking at the post. Something about a fever…? In that same vein, was it Leprechaun 2 or Leprechaun 3 where he was at a pawn shop? And A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is just a total blank to me. The point being I’ve seen all 10 Hellraiser films…
Chwineka Watches 