Category: Reviews
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Housebound (2014)
I should come up with an official policy on how to tag movies with a twist that nullifies another tag. Like, spoilers for The Turning, but should I really have tagged the movie āghostsā if the ending pretty conclusively says that she was crazy the whole time and thereās nothing supernatural happening? But the ghostsāor at least the concept of ghostsāis pretty crucial to the movie. And since the tags are listed at the top of the page, you might be seeing where Iām going with this.
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The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy in “For Love or Mummy” (1999)
Growing up, my grandfather loved Laurel and Hardy. He watched their shorts and movies all the time and even had a framed letter written by Stan Laurel. And Grandpa Bud would make us watch Laurel and Hardy with him most visits, so while Iām no expert, I do know about the comedy duo. And with that knowledge I can say that my grandfather would probably hate this.
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The Blackcoat’s Daughter (2015)
Hey, itās Sabrina! No, not Godās Not Dead 2ās Mrs. Melissa Joan Hart, but Chilling Adventures of Sabrinaās Ms. Kiernan Shipka. Three years before the new Sabrina show and streaming on Netflix, dealing with her relationship with a devilā¦ Hm, I wonder if the casting department saw this movie.
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Ink (2009)
Itās kind of hard to review your favorite movie. When I hate something, oh my god, I have to force myself to stop ranting about it. And with a mix of schadenfreude and impassioned writing those posts are usually pretty fun to read (I have been told). But a movie I love? Itās kinda rough to get the ball rollingā¦
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Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy (2006)
At Movie Night thereās a thing we call āSeagaling.ā Named after Steven Seagal and inspired by some of his worst movies, itās when we speed up a movie one click so it ends faster, but we can still say that we watched it. Anyway, I donāt think I can watch Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy without Seagaling it; itās just irredeemably bad.
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Detention (2011)
I like describing this movie to people. I tell them about the time-travelling bear that was abducted by aliens, the Freaky Friday switch that also goes across time, a masked serial killer inspired by a lame movie starring āMoscow Hyatt,ā a jock infused with fly blood, subdued Dane Cookā¦ āIsnāt there detention in a movie called Detention?ā Yeah yeah, I was getting to that.
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The Pyramid (2014)
Mummy Mondays are still on hold due to social distancing (we should be back on track next week), so this week Iām talking about The Pyramid, a movie that doesnāt actually have a mummy for the villain. I imagine The Scorpion King franchise is the same way, so it was going to happen at some point. Instead our villain isā¦ Anubus. Like, the actual Egyptian, jackal-headed god of death. Well, that could be coolā¦ TOO BAD IT IS NOT!
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The Endless (2017)
From an very, very outside perspective, I can kind of see the appeal of a cult. The world is especially shitty right now, and in my mind I donāt see it getting significantly better any time soon. A little too dark to start this post? Well I just recently got out of COVID-19 quarantine and then went right back to the filthy world of retail. If someone were to come to me and say that following them would make everything betterā¦ well, okay, I wouldnāt believe them because that sounds culty as fuck, but Iād be a little bit tempted.
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End of the Line (2007)
What is the difference between a cult and a religion? Thatās actually a serious question and relevant to this movie. I created the ācultsā tag because every so often thereās a movie where cultists try to sacrifice a young girl so that their demon god can enter our world (like you do), but for this movie the ācultā is explicitly Christian. Most likely a subdivision of Christianity, as I was raised Lutheran and donāt remember the pastor passing out dagger crosses and pagers so we could be alerted when the end of the world was happening. But like, are the…
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Diary of a Cannibal (2007)
FuuuUUUuuuUUUuuuUUUck this movie! Fuck it straight to hell! I hate it, I hate everyone who worked on it, I hate that itās not the only Ulli Lommel movie Iāve seen, and I just hate every single aspect of it!
Chwineka Watches 