CONTENT WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

At Movie Night there’s a thing we call “Seagaling.” Named after Steven Seagal and inspired by some of his worst movies, it’s when we speed up a movie one click so it ends faster, but we can still say that we watched it. Anyway, I don’t think I can watch Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy without Seagaling it; it’s just irredeemably bad.

The vast majority of the main characters–other than the main girl and I’ll get to her issues later–are shameless, awful stereotypes. The main romantic interest is every lazy Jewish stereotype you can think of before going all in on posting to Twitter that Mr. George Soros is responsible for everything you hate. At one point he (the movie character, not Soros) laments about not being able to see his love interest for a while, then consoles himself with a wad of cash. “At least I have you!” is the actual line used. Amazing. And the gay black guy–who goes by the name Sha-ba-ba-BAM!–is incredibly tiring for this queer to have to sit through. Thankfully he’s only a collection of gay stereotypes instead of gay AND black, so I guess that’s one point for the movie. Congratulations, you could have been even worse?

Almost as bad as the characters is the plot. There’s two instances where the “romantic comedy miscommunication” trope rears its ugly head: the first is when former WWE wrestler Chyna rapes the gay black guy (the scene ends before we see what happens and we see him sad and bruised after, but he calls her a rapist later on so that actually happened), but he won’t say who did it, so our protagonist thinks her ex–a grown man referred to by everyone as “Monster” as if that’s an acceptable name–did it; and when our protagonist insults Monster, her current boyfriend’s sister hears the tail end of the conversation, and immediately runs to tell her brother thinking that the girlfriend was talking shit about him. One is incredibly offensive and shocking–especially in how it’s a serious crime but treated like a joke–and the other is some of the laziest writing I have ever seen, all designed to add a pointless hurdle to extend the movie’s length. You’re already an hour and 45 minutes! You didn’t need that! You didn’t need any of this!!

But enough about the lazy stereotypes and overused tropes; let’s talk about how every character is awful! I guess the main girl is fine, but it bothers me more than it should that in a movie called Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy, the daughter of two wrestlers who has a bunch of trophies on her dresser can’t wrestle. She defends herself against some goons (more on them in a minute), but it’s filmed so she’s out of the shot and we just see them reacting to being fake punched. Her romantic options are the Jewish stereotype who is absolutely stalking her, or Monster, who has his goons abduct her at one point. Oh, and the gay guy kisses her on her wedding day because he thought pretending not to be gay would… um… Fuck, nothing makes sense in this movie! Everything about it is bad! I hate everyone involved in this!!

Except Mr. Renoly Santiago as Scorpio. He’s great, love him, but fuck everything else in this godforsaken movie.

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