Diary of a Cannibal (2007)

FuuuUUUuuuUUUuuuUUUck this movie! Fuck it straight to hell! I hate it, I hate everyone who worked on it, I hate that it’s not the only Ulli Lommel movie I’ve seen, and I just hate every single aspect of it!

This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Period, full stop. Writer/director Ulli Lommel was a talentless hack, and while I’m not saying that I’m glad he’s dead and can no longer make awful, awful movies… I’m not NOT saying it, either.

The story is painfully simple: a guy wants his girlfriend to kill and eat him so that they’ll always be together. Turns out that’s illegal. Who knew?! But what should have been a 15 minute sequence is told out of order, flashing back and forth seemingly randomly, intercut with scenes of the guy rubbing fake blood on a naked, sleeping stunt double (the real main girl doesn’t have a belly button piercing), scenes from an actual slaughterhouse, and more useless nonsense. It’s like a child’s attempt at an art film, if that child also probably needed to see a therapist for their unnatural obsession with death and dismemberment.

The effects–what little there are–are all bad. At one point the girl cuts off her boyfriend’s head and we see his headless body still tied to a metal cross. But they edited out his head using what appeared to be MS Paint! You can still see bits of his blond hair on either side of the bar running behind his head! The severed head is a whole ‘nother mess, either shown from only the back, shown from the front but it’s a still image with the actor’s face poorly photoshopped in, or one scene where it’s just so blurry you can’t see shit. This movie has a credited editor. What the fuck did he get paid for?

I think the worst sin this movie makes is that it’s incredibly boring. Most of Lommel’s movies are like that, more boring than standard bad. Like, The Room is bad, but it’s such a bizarre film that there’s rarely a dull moment (well, probably the sex scenes). But there’s nothing engaging here, nothing good, nothing worth paying attention to. We actually have a ban on Ulli Lommel movies at Movie Night, because they’re just so consistently mind-numbingly bad.

While rewatching this drivel in anticipation of writing about it, I listened to the director’s commentary. Nothing of interest was learned, except that Lommel introduced himself under a fake name (which everyone else immediately forgot about) and that he was proud of this movie. Not only was he buying into his own hype, but the editor and an actor in the recording booth were jerking his ego off with him. How can anyone be proud of this movie? Shame is the only emotion anyone associated with this movie should feel, and that includes anyone who watches it.

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8 thoughts on “Diary of a Cannibal (2007)

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