True story: While talking with friends about doing 2024: A Star Wars Event for my blogs, when it came up that I’d be rewatching The Rise of Skywalker almost every single person had the same response along the lines of, “Oof.” If the prequels not gelling with me didn’t destroy my old obsession with Star Wars, this film absolutely would’ve crushed it out of me. This movie is a mess, but let’s rip the Band-Aid off and finish this.
Palpatine has returned! Somehow! And he’s been working to corrupt Ben Solo since the very beginning, having literally created Snoke in a vat. Elsewhere Rey is continuing her training under the tutelage of a very not-actually-there Leia, although her anger keeps getting the better of her. A supposed spy in the First Order sends word Poe and Finn’s way that Palpatine is on Exegol, and Rey knows only a Sith wayfinder can get them there. So the trio head to a yet another desert planet to find the MacGuffin, with Finn almost telling Rey… something. It’s never explained. After meeting up with Lando Calrissian they find the thing and C-3PO can read it, but his programming prohibits him from telling them what it means. So now they have to head to another planet to mess with his circuits. But first Chewie gets captured by the First Order, and Rey accidentally blows up the ship he was in with Force lightning. But the bad guy uses that! Then two minutes and six seconds later–I fucking timed it–we find out Chewie is fine, actually. He’s rescued, Kylo reveals to Rey that Palpatine is her grandfather, the traitor is revealed to be Hux, Hux is killed by Allegiant General Pryde (Mr. Richard E Grant), and the gang then heads to the second planet where Poe gets help from his ex, Zorii (Keri Russell). The information is taken from Threepio, but his memory is wiped; it’s fine, he gets it back later. So now they know they have to go to a third planet where the wayfinder is stored in the ruins of the second Death Star. There they meet Jannah (Naomi Ackie), another black former stormtrooper. Don’t think I don’t see you trying to straighten out Finn and Poe by giving them female love interests, movie!
Anyway Kylo destroys the wayfinder so all that was pointless. He and Rey fight, with CG Leia apparently dying in order to… distract her son so Rey can stab him? Rey heals him before taking his ship and flying to Exegol, leaving Kylo with the ghost of Han Solo. Ben has finally been redeemed! Somehow! It only took the deaths of the three mainest characters from the original trilogy. Rey goes to face Palpatine, whose entire plan is letting Rey kill him so he can take over her body. But the Resistance followed Rey’s signal and now they’re fighting the Sith fleet Palpatine had buried underground, or something. The odds are against the good guys until Lando shows up with hundreds of ships; turns out the people do want to resist. And hey, they even have Wedge Antilles (Denis Lawson) with them! That’s a name I recognize! Rey and Ben team up against Palpatine, but once he realizes they’re a Force dyad he decides to suck their lifeforce to heal his broken body. Ben’s tossed aside so it’s Palpatine vs. Palpatine. But Rey gains strength from a number of Jedi–several actors from movies and shows providing their voices–and manages to reflect the Emperor’s Force lightning against him, making this the third time he’s fallen for this. Palpatine is defeated and the Sith fleet is decimated, but Rey has died. Ben heals her and the two share a kiss, but he used up his own life so now he’s dead. The Resistance has won, Chewie gets a medal so fanboys can shut the fuck up, Lando and Jannah share a moment that’s either him flirting or the movie suggesting they’re related, two women who are never named outside of credits/subtitles kiss, and Rey rechristens herself “Rey Skywalker.”
I am utterly fascinated–in the worst ways–at how laissez-faire Disney was with the sequel trilogy. Several directors have dropped out over in the Marvel Cinematic Universe because of the level of control and preplanning Disney exerted, often with the corporation announcing movies before writers or directors are even hired. But for Star Wars not only was the plan just to have three different people write and direct the films, when the third guy is kicked out they get JJ Abrams back and let him do just… whatever, I guess? He spends so much time undoing the plot points he didn’t like from Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi and then just says Palpatine was actually behind everything. How did he survive Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi? Shut up, nerd! And don’t think about the fact that Anakin Skywalker’s whole redemption was him defeating the Emperor, which has now been all but undone. The open text crawl even mentions Palpatine sent out a message to the galaxy, but you won’t hear it in any movie. No, they had that audio clip debut in Fortnite. Yes, the video game. Amazing. I’d say there was absolutely no oversight with these movies, but a good deal of planning would be required to have that crossover exist.
I said in Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens that Juh’Jabrams was good at setting up story elements but really bad at paying them off, and this movie is wall to wall proof of that. The worst example is when Finn says he has something to tell Rey when he thinks they’re going to die. What was it? Never mind that. Abrams has said that it was to tell Rey he was Force sensitive–something the character clumsily displays throughout the film–but why keep that out of the movie? You actually went out of your way to have Rey ask Finn what he was going to say, only for him to wave it off.
It’s not all bad. Babu Frik and Klaud were great little guys. I liked when Rey used her connection with Ben to give him one of her lightsabers, but then I start spiraling again with unanswered questions. Didn’t Snoke say he made the connection between the two last movie? With Palpatine claiming credit for everything Snoke did, how did he not realize they were a dyad? Why would he order everyone to kill Rey when he actually wanted her alive? Which of Rey’s unnamed parents was his kid? Why is the man who conquered the galaxy once and almost again a second time so bad at evil plans? How did The Last Jedi end up the most divisive Star Wars film when The Rise of Skywalker exists? Why did we let JJ Abrams get away with this?!
I need to review not-Star Wars movies next week, otherwise I’m liable to just throw this entire project in the trash. I just… I need to walk away from this franchise for a minute.
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