Category: 2.5 stars
Average.
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Swamp Shark (2011)
My celebration of Shark Week continues, now officially one month late as of today! I’m continuing on partly because this was all planned ahead of time and partially out of spite. Going by the listing on the back of the “Shark Bait: 6 Killer shark Films” DVD case I’ve been pulling movies from, today would be Santa Jaws, but I’m saving that one for Christmas. The gay kid from Joe Bell manifesting a Santa hat wearing nightmare shark? Sounds hilarious! But that means today I’m stuck watching Swamp Shark. It’s not the worst shark movie I’ve seen, but it’s far…
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What Happened to Monday (2017)
Once upon a time, my husband’s favorite movie was Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, a video game-themed comedy based on a comic (graphic novel, technically). That makes sense if you know him and I like that movie, too. Then he watched What Happened to Monday, and this dystopian sci-fi thriller became his new favorite. The only thing the two movies have in common is a focus on the number 7. After finally sitting down and watching it, did I also like this film? Well… not really. Sorry, babe.
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National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
It’s that time of year once again, dear readers! As my state begs people not to shoot off fireworks so soon after a record-breaking heatwave and at the start of what could be one of the worst fire seasons yet, it’s time to celebrate the Fourth of July! Last year I marked the occasion by watching National Treasure, so it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that this year I’m looking at National Treasure: Book of Secrets. So without further ado, LET’S KIDNAP THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
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The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
I would like to start this post with a bit of a public service announcement: The Matrix Revolutions is the third film in The Matrix trilogy. I know this may be pretty obvious to some, but I hadn’t watched these films in nearly two decades, and since Revolutions and The Matrix Reloaded both came out in 2003–albeit 6 months apart–I was confused as to which one came first. So if you’re finding this post and haven’t read the one on Reloaded, there’s nothing I can do to force you to go back, but I do build off stuff I talked…
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Haunting Me (2007)
I want you to know that there are times when I go above and beyond for this blog. Netflix has the Oh My Ghost films, a Thailand horror/comedy series starring a group of aging kathoeys–kind of like drag queens, kind of like trans women, kind of a third gender option… Similar to “baklâ” in the Philippines, which I talked about in the ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Moveeh post. But I wasn’t satisfied with those films, because there’s a piece missing. Oh My Ghost is marketed as the first of four films, but it’s actually the second of something like six. The…
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Wer (2013)
Don’t you hate it when a movie gets spoiled by its trailer? I can’t even begin to count the number of films where I watched the trailer and thought, “Well that’s got to be 90% of the plot.” Which brings me to Wer, a movie that makes you wonder whether the antagonist is actually supernatural or not, while the trailer flat out says, yeah, he’s a werewolf.
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Iron Man 2 (2010)
With Iron Man 2, the ball is rolling on the Marvel Cinematic Universe, just like the ball that is MCU March! Gotta mention the event in ever post, no matter how awkward! Marvel Studios had achieved success with Mr. Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, and The Incredible Hulk did decently with a Tony Stark cameo linking the movies together. The road to the The Avengers continues in this movie by adding a new recurring character and giving a new face/actor to an existing one.
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Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)
All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think “happy ending,” but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it’s a handjob thing, so I’m going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let’s finish this.
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Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Let’s finish off a month of the worst movies ever with a classic. I gotta say, after falling in love with B-movie parodies like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, I had to keep reminding myself that Plan 9 from Outer Space was absolutely sincere. I mean, assuming the film Ed Wood is to be believed, but that’s a key ingredient in making a cult classic. Sincerity in ineptitude is what separates the men from the boys, and Birdemic: Shock and Terror from something like Taintlight.
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Children of the Corn: Runaway (2018)
And here we are at last: October of the Corn has reached the final movie of the Children of the Corn franchise. I mean, at least for now as even coronavirus apparently can’t stop the upcoming reboot. But Children of the Corn: Runaway is an interesting one as it’s a sequel to 2009’s Children of the Corn made-for-TV reboot, but made after Children of the Corn: Genesis, which by all accounts appears to be in the original continuity. Then again, if Scorpion King: Book of Souls can come out after Tom Cruise rebooted The Mummy, the sky’s the limit! Enough…
Chwineka Watches 