I don't want to come off as some sort of movie snob or purist. There are many different ways to tell a story, and sticking to a rigid structure is not always the best course of action. Case in point, Hellraiser: Inferno was a detective mystery that had some Hellish aspects, and I think it worked. But I guess Miramax thought they could try the same formula and create another interesting movie out of a script previously unrelated to the franchise. But no. Hellraiser: Hellseeker sucks and I hate it. Welcome back to the Hellbound Halloween. We're officially in the bad half of the franchise.
1.0 stars
Really bad.
Tag (2015)
Tag caught my attention the first time I read a summary of it and thought, "Holy shit, are they fucking serious?" Before I get to what made my jaw drop, I want to specify which Tag this actually is. It's not 2018's Tag about grown men playing a game of tag. It's not 1982's Tag: The Assassination Game with Linda Hamilton. It's not even 2015's Japanese Tag where heads explode. No, this is 2015's American Tag--or 2012, or 2014, or 2016 depending on which site you check--where McLovin gets sucked into one man's plan to spread HIV to as many people as possible.
Against the Dark (2009)
Have you ever read a movie's summary or watched a trailer and though, "Oh, this is going to be awful"? I get that feeling a lot--most recently I'm looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is... Against the Dark!
Beethoven’s 4th (2001)
Were you aware there was a fourth Beethoven film? I can't really say that I did before buying the complete Beethoven DVD collection for a friend. But are you ready for a bigger shock? Not only is this not the last movie about this particular big dog, but it's not even the last of the numbered movies. But the franchise reboot is a post for another day; today we're still with the new Newtons from Beethoven's 3rd and the worst version of the dog. Oh joy.
Noobz (2012)
I am an asshole. Well, at least to one of my friends. We've known each other since middle school, and that level of continued friendship comes with it's own little quirks; ours is giving each other just some of the worst presents. I get him things like a Trumpy Bear--oh yes, they're real--and then he gets me a DVD copy of Noobz, a movie starring Mr. Jason Mewes from Clerks. I can't say for certain that we've given each other equally awful gifts, but after finally sitting down and watching this movie, my next present to him will be something truly horrendous.
The Tooth Fairy (2006)
As I threatened on Friday while talking about Darkness Falls, there is more than one horror movie where the villain is a witch called the Tooth Fairy. But where Darkness Falls had some effort put into it, 2006's The Tooth Fairy is bad on just about every level. The monster is disappointing, the characters are bland, and the whole thing is a waste of time.
Tsunambee (2015)
Who doesn't love a good bad disaster movie? You don't go into Sharknado expecting fine cinema, you go in hoping that a guy cuts a shark in half with a chainsaw, and that said shark was delivered to him via tornado. So imagine how excited I was when I first saw a film called Tsunambee. The tagline on the poster is "This is gonna sting a little!" It's a goofy movie about a tsunami of bees, right? Right...?
Almighty Thor (2011)
I've talked about this before, but The Asylum is a film company known for ridiculous movies like Sharknado and a ridiculous amount of knock-offs. Mockbusters, if you will. Back in 2005, Blockbuster--remember when that was relevant?--accidentally ordered 100,000 copies of HG Wells' War of the Worlds instead of the Stephen Spielberg film that came out the same year, War of the Worlds. From there the company just went wild, creating knockoffs like Atlantic Rim, Sunday School Musical, and in this particular case, Almight Thor to go up against Marvel's Thor. The God of Thunder is technically in the public domain, so why not!
Taintlight (2009)
I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they'd ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I'm now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well...
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
When I was compiling a list of potential movies for a month full of "the worst ever," there was only one movie that made me shudder every time I remembered it existed. Now, I use a lot of hyperbolic language on this blog, but I need you to understand something: I mean that literally. Every time I thought about Ms. Paris Hilton's The Hottie & the Nottie, I physically shuddered. Out of ALL the movies I gathered links to, this was the one I dreaded the most. But here we are, for better or worse.
Chwineka Watches 