CORN (2021)

I can understand the logic behind wanting to make a knockoff movie. Something is popular, so some would want to get on the bandwagon before interest dies down. But CORN is just… confusing. Sure, there’s the 2020 Children of the Corn prequel/reboot, but apparently only 10 people saw it and I’m not sure if it will ever have a digital release (trust me, I’ve spent a lot of time looking into it). And as I have said multiple times, Children of the Corn is nobody’s favorite horror franchise. But it’s okay! Because CORN‘s plot has absolutely nothing to do with anything resembling the plot of a CotC film! So why is is even called that? Well…

So CORN–sometimes called CORN: A Field of Screams, but who really knows since the movie doesn’t ever have a title card–is apparently an acronym, even though that is never explained in the movie. IMDB says it stands for “Collective Order of Recreational Necrophilanthropists,” which is goofy enough that you would think this would be a horror comedy. But no, it’s not. The biggest “joke” I can actually remember is when a young girl says, “What, me worry?” Was… was that a MAD Magazine reference? She doesn’t even look like Alfred E Neuman. So it’s not a comedy, and it’s not a Children of the Corn knockoff, but it presents itself as both. Bizarre.

The story follows two siblings who get stranded in the middle of nowhere with their step-dad, played by Roger Cross (last seen on the blog in Arrow season 1). They meet a weird kid who’s a pointless red herring and eventually get sucked into a gathering of evil taxidermists who show off their skills by killing and stuffing the locals. The leader of this group is… oh. Oh no. The character is named Mister Doctor and he’s played by Mr. Robert Donavan, who I just saw the other week in Paranormal Sexperiments. Turns out he shows up in things that aren’t porn! The more you know. Anyway, in a completely unnecessary twist, it turns out the step-dad is in on all of this and killed their dad. But the siblings kill him and escape along with the pointless guy and a little girl. A sort of mid-credit tease suggests one of the villains survived, but who cares. This movie is NOT getting a sequel, no matter what the fake 5 star reviews on Amazon suggest.

Speaking of, CORN is available for free on both on Amazon Prime and Tubi, and it’s a challenge to say which version was worse. It should be the exact same movie in both sites, right? Even Paranormal Sexperiments had the same censored version on both services. Well, it turns out the Prime version is darker and quieter than the Tubi version, but the Tubi version has its audio desync more and more as the film goes on. I started on Prime but next to nothing set at night was visible and the volume was just too low. So I switch to Tubi, where I watched until the last 20 minutes or so before the delay between the audio and the visuals became too much. At one point a CORN member is knocked out, but the sound being off made it look like she had tripped before getting hit on the head. So it was back to Amazon, because who gives a shit at this point. I would say I got what I paid for, but even I–someone who believes his time is absolutely not worth anything–felt cheated by this utterly pointless film.

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