We’re back with another Mega Shark movie in honor of Shark Week! Our fearsome foe somehow survived his battle with the giant octopus and is back to eat crocodile eggs and kick ass, and he’s running out of croc eggs. There’s a lot wrong with this movie, so let’s jump right in.

Steve Urkel–although he’s not doing the voice, so I guess he’s actually Stefan Urquelle–is a Navy “shark guy” whose fiancée is somehow killed when the titular mega shark shows up again and sinks a battleship. They say she was bit, but the thing leapt completely over the ship and its size would mean–no, I can’t nitpick everything, I’d be here forever. Meanwhile in Africa the crocosaurus (which I don’t believe anyone calls by that name ever) wakes up and goes on a rampage. It gets subdued, but escapes the cargo vessel it was being transported on when the mega shark attacks. Now the two are out in the wild, causing chaos. Shark guy and a hunter who I swear was actually drunk for most of the movie team up with the US Navy and try to destroy the creatures. Realizing that croc is laying a ridiculous amount of eggs and the shark is trying to eat them all, a plan is hatched to trap the creatures in the Panama Canal, but it fails. Then the mega shark swallows a submarine whole. That’s right, now the shark is nuclear! Our protagonists lure the creatures–along with all the newly hatched baby crocs–to an undersea volcano where they explode for some reason. Now apparently coated in cooled lava, the pair sink to the bottom of the ocean. There’s also a stinger after the credits, but it involves the hunter and a character the audience forgot existed and adds nothing.

I can’t believe I complained about the acting in the previous movie! Here EVERYONE was awful. Like I said, I truly believe the hunter actor (Mr. Gary Stretch) was actually drunk on set for most of the film. And my archnemesis Dylan Vox was in this, so I hated every line he gave. There is one, maybe two exceptions to the bad acting. The hardass female Agent was okay, but it was huge character development that she smiled at the end so it’s an easy role. But Mr. Robert Picardo–the hologram doctor on Star Trek: Voyager–brought his A-game to this B-movie. He’s acting his heart out, and even has a moment of decent writing! See, he’s been saving this nice cigar to smoke after the creatures are killed, and when he thinks the protagonists have been killed he mutters, “Casualties of war,” as he accidentally crushes the cigar. It was almost touching! But everyone important was fine, so whatever.

The effects are bad, the size of the crocosaurus is incredibly inconsistent, there are several shots reused–sometimes multiple times in under a minute–and the abundance of stock footage is painfully obvious. But I want to close this off with a line spoken by the hunter near the beginning of the film: “I’ve wrestled with lizard creatures that had two heads and fifteen spiked tails that ate the flesh of children.” I’m sorry, what the fuck? Why aren’t we watching that movie?? I’d rather watch Two-Headed Lizard Creatures with Fifteen Spiked Tails vs Some Other Dumb Idea than this!

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