I really have to stop thinking, “This is the worst Mega Shark movie yet,” when there are still more to go. This has been a rough Shark Week, but it’s all self-inflicted so… sucks to be me! Anyway, I will start this by saying that in the years since Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, the special effects have improved! The mega shark actually sometimes looks good! But there’s always a cost, and this time the cost is that everything else is very bad.

So the mega shark of last movie is still dead, but a new megalodon breaks free of some ice and destroys the Sphinx. Just… go with it. The world is in a panic, but a possible salvation comes in a mecha shark the US government is working on, controlled by an AI that sounds a lot like KITT from Knight Rider. People like Mechagodzilla, right? Why not just rip that idea off? Working with the shark is the female detective from Angel (the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spinoff, not the 80’s movie about a high school prostitute) and Teal’c from Stargate SG-1. The lady pilots the mecha shark, but sucks at her job and causes a ridiculous amount of collateral damage. Like, she’s responsible for a battleship getting sunk, and follows that up by causing an underwater rockslide that nearly kills her. After she gets knocked out the military commander in charge allows the AI to control the mecha shark on its own, which inevitably leads to a programming issue and the thing goes rogue. C’mon, we all saw that coming. With some help from Debbie Gibson (reminding us that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is still canon) the duo manage to reprogram the mecha shark back to operational status, and it lures the mega shark into biting the area with a torpedo, exploding the both of them. The AI was salvaged, and that’s as good of a happy ending as we get.

There’s so much more going on, but most of it doesn’t actually matter. Halfway through the movie we get some flashbacks that reveal our protagonist couple had a daughter who died. What’s the point of this? So, uh… the female lead could risk life and limb to rescue a little girl who runs from soldiers but runs towards the rampaging mecha shark, a thing that she could have done without a dead kid backstory. The military commander is a weirdo who… wait a second… That’s the “It rises,” guy from the first movie! Same actor! That would explain why his death sequence was so drawn out and ridiculous, because he’d died to the mega shark before! In a way. There was also almost another airplane disaster, but the mecha shark launches itself out of the water to body slam the megalodon in the air, which… okay, that was kind of fun.

Like I said, the special effects look better, but that doesn’t mean that the movie looks “good.” The effects are used WAY too much and generally look like garbage when in the same shot as a real person. We see several scenes with Australian firefighters and it’s painfully obvious that it’s real life footage inserted awkwardly into the movie. And like the crocosaurus last time, the mecha shark’s size is very inconsistent with it being smaller on land in the third act. There’s even a scene where Teal’c does a motorcycle jump over the mecha shark and it looks… just bad. Real bad. And that basically sums up this movie! 3 down, only one left…

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Next: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

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