Tag: ugly cgi
“This thing looks like a bad CGI movie creature!”
-Bad CGI Sharks (2019)
-
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
So X-Men: The Last Stand was not very good. I know, the hottest of hot takes. So I’m sure the stakes while making X-Men Origins: Wolverine were high as a result. 20th Century Fox needed to this to be good, damn it! This could be the start of an entire X-Men Origins, or possibly lead to an X-Men 4! That’s obviously not what happened, in part because this film was… Well, I’ll hold off on my opinion ’til later for dramatic effect.
-
The Mummy Returns (2001)
I recently talked about the supposed trilogy pattern of “first is fine, second is superb, third is terrible,” so it’s interesting to watch a trilogy that breaks that pattern. 1999’s The Mummy is a great movie that people love, while The Mummy Returns… exists.
-
Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015)
Shark Week is wrapping up, and so are the Mega Shark movies. Well, until Mega Shark vs Moby Dick, which is supposed to come out in 2021 but that’s Future Chwineka’s problem. Until then we’ve reached the end of this franchise, and this last entry… didn’t suck? It was bad, don’t get me wrong, but bad in a lot of the the right ways.
-
Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (2014)
I really have to stop thinking, “This is the worst Mega Shark movie yet,” when there are still more to go. This has been a rough Shark Week, but it’s all self-inflicted so… sucks to be me! Anyway, I will start this by saying that in the years since Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, the special effects have improved! The mega shark actually sometimes looks good! But there’s always a cost, and this time the cost is that everything else is very bad.
-
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010)
We’re back with another Mega Shark movie in honor of Shark Week! Our fearsome foe somehow survived his battle with the giant octopus and is back to eat crocodile eggs and kick ass, and he’s running out of croc eggs. There’s a lot wrong with this movie, so let’s jump right in.
-
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.
-
The Mummy (1999)
Alright, now we’re cooking! It’s taken roughly 10,000 years, but we’ve reached The Mummy movies that people have actually heard of. Sure, it was nice to see what came before and the origins of characters/names Mr. Stephen Sommers pulled from, but we’ve had enough of these movies taking themselves seriously. Show me some Brendan Fraser scaring the villain off with a cat!
-
Cube²: Hypercube (2002)
Don’t you love it when a sequel comes out and has practically no cast or crew in common with the original? I don’t! That’s how we get shit like American Psycho II: All American Girl, where a small child kills Patrick Bateman at the very beginning and the rest of the movie is Ms. Mila Kunis killing anyone in the way of her becoming Mr. William Shatner’s teaching assistant! Weird non-sequitur, right? We’ll come back to that…
-
Sucker Punch (2011)
Mr. Zack Snyder is… interesting. The visionary behind the new DC Cinematic Universe (at least until the reboot it), he’s an incredibly polarizing figure. It also doesn’t help that I really don’t like Batman Vee Superman Colon Dawn of Justice, I thought Justice League was a mess, and I still don’t believe that the impending Snyder Cut of Justice League will be any kind of improvement. But I don’t want my opinions on the man tainting my thoughts on Sucker Punch! There are enough minor quibbles I have with the movie that do that already.
-
Foodfight! (2012)
I don’t know about you, but I need a break from Batman. So let’s switch gears and watch something absolutely awful! Foodfight!–the title has an exclamation point so you know it’s quality–is infamously bad: it’s hideous, the story sucks, it’s shameless product placement, and it cost $65 million to make because they had no idea what they were doing and then the computers the movie was stored on got stolen. Oops! It eventually limped its way to a DVD release, and here we are. I own this. I make only the best decisions.
Chwineka Watches 