Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men: First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus stars Ms. Deborah Gibson. Yeah, the same Debbie Gibson who was a pop singer in the 80’s, although I personally preferred the musical styling of Tiffany (I’ll get to you some day, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid). Anyway, Gibson is an oceanographer who witnesses a mega shark (megalodon) and a giant octopus break free from the arctic ice they’ve been trapped in for millions of years. All because of global warming, of course. The monstrous duo go separate ways and get into all kinds of trouble, like… well… the mega shark jumps out of the ocean and bites a moving airplane, dragging it down to a watery grave. And since this is an Asylum film, the effect looks like shit and the acting is terrible. Anyway, teaming up with her old professor, a Japanese scientist, and Lorenzo Lamas playing an unabashedly racist dude, our heroes decide to use pheromones to lure the shark and octopus to specific locations and trap them. That plan was thought up after Gibson and the Japanese scientist fuck in a broom closet. The plan doesn’t work because no weapon forged by man can harm them, or something, so it’s decided to use the pheromones to get them to fight to the death. Some close calls with some submarines later, the creatures kill each other and our heroes (minus the racist) get excited at the prospect of discovering new oceanic wonders.

The Asylum is known for low quality made-for-TV movies, so imagine my surprise when I found out this piece of shit was released theatrically! At least, I think it was? I can’t find any information on how many theaters screened it in America or how much it made, but according to Box Office Mojo it was in 1 theater in the UK and made the equivalent of $722. And considering what an ugly piece of shit this film is, that’s still surprisingly high.

I won’t go on for a while about what a bad looking film this is, so let’s talk about the subpar acting! Most of the actors try, but with a script this bad there’s not a whole lot they can do. And the only thing more unbelievable than Lorenzo Lamas’s admitted racism is that he’s a high ranking military leader with a Steven Seagal ponytail.

There is, however, one bright light in the sea of bland… One of the naval leaders on his battleship (weird that the interior looks exactly like most of the submarines in the movie) is delightfully hamming it up. When the mega shark disappears after an attack, he proudly tells Washington that it’s been destroyed despite his subordinate telling him that’s probably not the case. When the shark ultimately returns, we get this weird close up of him as he whispers, “It rises…” Then they all die, and I’m left with so many questions. Maybe some of them will be addressed in the next movie! Probably not, though.

Next: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

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